Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you keep a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head!

A doctor called up a fellow and said, Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.

The guy says, Yes, thats right. Is there anything wrong?

Well, the doctor replies, heres the thing. Theres another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.

Oh, my God, the man said, what will I do, doc?

Well, Ive been giving this some thought, said the doctor, and heres what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

Then what? says the distraught man.

Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Dont have sex with her!

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

You wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The prisoner wrote another letter:

Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

En un pueblo se construía una carretera y uno de los lugareños se sentaba largas horas para ver como se realizaba la obra cuando…

Hola, soy George Frank Steven, el ingeniero que hizo los estudios y encargado de la obra y la maquinaria.

Hola, yo soy Federico Díaz; soy del pueblo vecino.

Veo que nunca habías visto como se hace una carretera moderna, dime, ¿cómo hacen las carreteras en tu pueblo?

Bueno, en mi pueblo cuando queremos hacer una carretera de un pueblo a otro, soltamos un burro viejo y el animal escoge el camino más corto y más seguro y por ese camino hacemos la carretera.

¿Y qué pasa si no tienen un burro?

¡Llamamos a un ingeniero!

Estaban trabajando un grupo bastante grande de ilegales en un campo en los Estados Unidos, cuando de pronto llegó la migra con dos camiones para llevarse a los pobres ilegales, y pues que se echan a correr todos para esconderse, menos uno, que al contrario de todos, salió corriendo pero hacia los camiones de la migra, llegó a uno, se subió y se sentó rápido. El oficial de migración que manejaba el camión, todo sacado de onda por lo que veía le preguntó:

¿Por qué tu no corriste como tus demás compañeros a esconderte?

Y el ilegal todo cansado por la corrida que pegó le contesta:

Pues la verdad es que ustedes ya me han agarrado cinco veces y las cinco pinches veces me he ido parado hasta Tijuana…

These came from the mouths of geeks

and nerds, and all with a nerdy laugh at



the end:



its not earth to eric–its mars to eric!!!



i dont want you to be screwed, i want you



to be nailed!!!



your mama is so stupid she made the



anti-deans list!!!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well
put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the
defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his
lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!

Three oriental girls are in the temple.

The first one is chanting, Oh great Buddha, send me a man with a dragon on his chest!

The second one is chanting, Oh great Buddha, send me a man with two dragons on his chest!

The third on is chanting, Oh great Buddha, send me a man with his dragn on the ground!

I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while Im trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.

And just when I dont think I can take it anymore, he says, Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. – Marcie, from the Married With Children sitcom.