Old and New Jokes

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

Why do you keep working out all the time, they asked.

Well, he said, Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me. Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldnt see him any more, but they still kept cumming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, Go back, Go Back! ITS A BLOW JOB!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

En un velorio, un amigo del difunto se acerca a la viuda y le dice:

Lo siento señora, lo siento.

La señora responde:

No gracias, déjelo acostadito nomás.

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!



Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??



All the blondes say We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.



So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.



The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter?



No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing.



In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.



So be it says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.



A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.



The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.



Why? asketh the Lord.



Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password….now you have to understand hes got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect…so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in penis…I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: Theyre too hard to peel.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a
bath.

She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow
White relents and says, When I get into the water and you hear the splash,
you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very
moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The
moment the Dwarfs hear the splash, they turn around and see Snow
White naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being
advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.

Scroll down for the answer.

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!

Keep scrolling down.

Seven Up

The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Foreploy:
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous Surrender Dorothy on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it.
Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS:
the one true operating system.
Inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis:
a degenerate disease.
Karmageddon:
Its like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer.
Hindkerchief:
really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme:
a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).
Dopeler effect:
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.