29
Dec

Friends and Enemies

Ariel was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didnt want to dress properly.

Instead of wearing anemones to cover the protruding bits, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones like a dutiful daughter should.

But father, Ariel argued, with fronds like these, who needs anemones?

28
Dec

What does Geronimo say when

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW its new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

28
Dec

What Women Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthurs youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an answer by years end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but hed have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthurs closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthurs question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthurs life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthurs life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when shed been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but dont read until youve made your own choice.

………………….

…………………

………………..

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isnt that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you dont respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

28
Dec

100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, This one will go a little over a 100.

Astonished the Yankee said, Who are you trying to fool? You cant weigh a pig that way.

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man.

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, This here pig weighs about 100 pounds.

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, Ma says she will be right down after shes finished weighing the mailman.

28
Dec

Un anciano adinerado tena problemas

Un anciano adinerado tenía problemas de oído desde hacía un buen número de años. Fue con un médico especialista que le recomendó unos aparatos especiales que tenían extraordinarios resultados y que le permitieron recuperar su oído al 100%.

Después de un mes, el anciano regresó con el doctor y tras examinarlo le asegura:

Su audición es perfecta. Supongo que su familia debe estar muy contenta de que usted pueda escuchar otra vez.

Oh, la verdad es que todavía no le he dicho nada a mi familia. Sólo me siento por allí y escucho sus conversaciones: ¡En este mes he cambiado mi testamento tres veces!

28
Dec

Bumper Sticker #108

Honk if you love cheeses.

28
Dec

If its raining, this must

If its raining, this must be a weekend.

28
Dec

To err is human; to

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

28
Dec

Fifty people swindled

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, Theres nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!

28
Dec

Senate Slander

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"