Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boys ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mothers hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve.

Excuse me, Reverend, she ways quietly, but what magic words did you use on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, I told him if he didnt cut that shit out, Id kick his fucking ass to the moon.

A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like? The man says, To me, you look 35. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and walks to on.



Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, To me, you look 29. The guy says, Really! Im actually 47! and then leaves.





At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, Im 87, my eye sight isnt that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes. The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her…





…after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, Alright, youre 47. The guy is surprised and says, WOW! How did you know? The old woman says, I was standing behind you at McDonalds.

A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.



The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.





The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.





The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.





The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.





The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?





The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.





The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?





The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.





The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?





The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.





The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and well play snap!

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. Whats in the bags?, asked the guard.

Sand, said the cyclist.

Get them off – well take a look, said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. Say friend, you sure had us crazy, said the guard. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I wont say a word – but what is it you were smuggling? Bicycles!

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder! its starting to rain, and the top is down!

The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.

A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a
scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

Im on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and its today.

The bartender says Well, since its your birthday, Ill buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, I would
like to buy you a drink too.

The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two
drops of water.

Coming up, says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, I would like to buy
you one too.

The old women says, Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with
two drops of water.

Comin right up, the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
Maam, Im dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

The ! old woman replies, Sonny, when youre my age, you learn how
to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.

Why dont women need a watch?

Theres a clock on the stove.