Dear Dr. Verne:

Im gonna be gittin a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that Im is, Is worried about affectin my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man dont like me having my ex-old mans name writ on me, so Ims getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

– Worried in Des Moines

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the exs name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, Id lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure yous an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and youll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, thats class. Id keep that baby and just cross out the exs name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, Id probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you aint shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are yous gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, MOM, skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that aint manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that dont even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if yous a guy who tattooed Cindy on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda aint cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, Id just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for Holy $#%^ that hurts! But at least youll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies.

Dr Verne.

A man has 17 parts that dont work for him:

• Ten nails that dont nail
• Two tits that dont milk
• One bellybutton that doesnt button
• One cock that doesnt crow
• Two balls that dont roll
• One ass that wont work!

But, girls, what are we smiling about?

• We have a pussy that wont catch mice!
• Rats yes, mice no.

Its annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

Whats up asked Batman?

Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!

Was she surprised? asked Spiderman.

Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!

Bloody Stump by: Rusty Zipper

Sliding Down a Flagpole by: Dick Burns

Brown Spots on the Wall By: Whoflung Dung

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

Dont worry, She said. Im a nurse. I wont laugh.

Blushing the man drops his trousers. Its OK, she said. Ive seen lots smaller than that.

Really? the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. Yes, she chuckled, I used to work in the maternity unit.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Philippa!
Philippa who?
Philippa will you, I need a bath!

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said. Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

Do you serve lawyers in here?, the man inquires.

Sure do!, replied the bartender.

Great!, the man said. Ill have a Coors Light, and how bout a lawyer for my gator.