Old and New Jokes

A man was going on abusiness trip to Florida. His wife was going to meet him there, but he got there a day early. He tried to remember her e-mail adress but he sent it to a pastors wife and the pastor died the day before. The e-mail said, got here safely, waiting for your arrival tommorow, it sure is hot down here.

Old accountants never die – they just lose their balance.

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he cant find the rake. He yells up to his wife, Honey … where is the rake?

She cant hear him and shouts back, What?

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, What? and the man repeats his gestures.

EYE KNEE – THE RAKE The wife replies that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her What in the friggin hell was that?

She replies, EYE – LEFT IT – BEHIND – THE BUSH

——————————————————————————–Ways To Have Fun in the WorkplacePage yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point, Sparky. No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, oh youve got to be faster than that.Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Inventions by Blondes…

1. The water-proof towel

2. Glow in the dark sunglasses

3. Solar powered flashlights

4. Submarine screen doors

5. A book on how to read

6. Inflatable dart boards

7. A dictionary index

8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners

9. Powdered water

10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs

11. Waterproof tea bags

12. Watermelon seed sorter

13. Zero proof alcohol

14. Reuseable ice cubes

15. See-through toilet tissue

16. Skinless bananas

17. Do-it-yourself road map

18. Turnip ice cream

19. Toe implants

20. An all white flag

21. Rolls Royce pickup truck

22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

Q: What kind of wood does not float?

A: Natalie Wood!

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after hed gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, Do you have a hammer?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, Do you have a chisel?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, What are you doing to my wife?

Not a thing, replied old doc Carver. I cant get my instrument bag open.

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what youre saying.

Un día Pepito se presenta con su mamá mal herido, y su mamá le dice:

¡Pepito! ¿Qué te pasó?

Es que iba en la bicicleta a toda velocidad y tropecé con una piedra.

¡Pepito, tú no tienes bicicleta!

¡Ah…! Fue con los patines, iba a toda velocidad y tropecé con una piedra.

¡Pepito, tú no tienes patines!

¡Bueno! ¡Ultimadamente, el gato es mío y me lo cojo cuando yo quiera!

Im not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.