Old and New Jokes

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Childs stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Childs death ruins couples holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kurt & Conan!
Kurt & Conan who?
Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

Yo mama so ugly she could scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding.

One day, an old Italian couple arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native town, and it wasnt long before the wife got lost. The Italian husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked for his wifes description.

Whats that? asked the Italian.

Well, you see, a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 511, weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?

Forget her! exclaimed the Italian. Lets go look for yours!

You know youve lost your status of Cool when:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. Sex becomes all that foolishness.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your sons new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your fathers advice.

You dont know how to operate a fax machine or a VCR.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Why do farts smell? Its so as deaf people can enjoy them as well!.

It seems that at something called the SOFTWORLD presentation (Share
69), the speaker showed a slide of a spoon full of chips, which he
described as a tablespoon of 3090s. He then said that before
long, youll have a 3090 in your wristwatch. You can boot up
MVS on it and the first thing it will do is ask you the time.

Mark Israel