Old and New Jokes

Un año tiene 365 días para poder estudiar.

Despues de sacar 52 domingos, solo nos quedan 313 días.

En verano hay 50 días en los que hace demasiado calor para poder estudiar así que nos quedamos con 263 días.

Dormimos ocho horas diarias, al año suponen 122 días, así que ahora contamos con 141 días.

Si nos damos una hora al día hablando con amigos y familiares, eso nos quita 15 dias mas, ya solo quedan 81.

Exámenes y tets nos toman como mínimo 35 días en nuestro año, así que solo quedan 46.

Sacando aproximadamente 40 días de vacaciones y fiestas, nos quedamos con seis días.

Digamos que como mínimo estás tres días enfermo, así que quedan tres para poder estudiar.

Digamos también que solo sales con los amigos dos días. ¡Ya solo queda uno! ¡pero resulta que ese único día es tu cumpleaños!

¡Así que buena suerte a todos los que esteis estudiando!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. Whats going on? Ed asked one of the crowd.

Were watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And theres a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

I can do that! Ed said confidently.


No you cant, said Ted.


I sure as hell can! said Ed.

Youll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster, said Ted.


Watch this, said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machines back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? Ted asked.

Remember three months ago, Ed said…


When my wife had whooping cough…?

One day a rich greedy man bougt a donkey from a poor man. the man explained:Amen to stop. alleluia to go. oh god to trot. the man didnt listen. the man went on the donkey and said oh god, here we go. suddenly the donkey troted along. the rich man didnt know where he was going. the man was coming to a clif but didnt realise it. then he saw it and panicked. he tried saying whow and stop donkey stop but nothing worked. then he stated saying a prayer in the name of the father, son, and holy spirit…Amen and the donkey stoped. the man was so delighted he shouted at the top of his voice at the edge of the clif ALLeluia…

You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well, tradition dictates….

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

Your mammas so fat when she wears a yellow rain coast outside I yell TAXI!

What did the Jewish chicken say when he eat the fish?

Yum kipper!!!!!!!

Once there was a beautiful princess who had many suitors who wished to marry her. Her father, the King, picked three and told them that they would have to compete in a contest to marry his daughter. Whomever won got to marry her.

He called the 3 men to his castle and told them what to do. He said I give you each 3 months to go around the world and collect as many ping pong balls as you can. Whomever collects the most can marry my daughter.

And so the three went off.

A month later one came back. He had found 2,000 ping pong balls. The king said that was pretty good but he must wait for the others to return.

The next month another man came back. He had found 5,000 ping pong balls. The king siad that that was pretty good also but must wait for the final man.

On the last day of the last month, a dirty, beat-up looking man stumbled into the kings castle. He was carrying something in his hands. So the king said to him how many ping pong balls did you get?

Ping pong balls? said the guy. I thought you said King Kongs balls.

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: Hey man, I just do sound.

A2: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

A3: One, two, three, one, two, three.

John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little shine, and talking about their dumb ole hillbilly wives.

You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we aint got no lectricity!

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, Hell, that aint nothing — my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We aint got no runnin water!

That one nearly slayed em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, Well, I reckon my brides GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers — hell, she aint got no dick!