Old and New Jokes

My friend has a baby. Im recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

There was a Japanese person, a Mexican, and an American standing over a
bridge. They came to throw something over the bridge that they had too
much of.

The Japanese man threw over some rice. The Mexican threw over
some beans. The American threw over the Mexican.

Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.

I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Im trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Seen on the back of a truck (on the bumper):

< PASSING SIDE ===== SUICIDE ->

Sign on garage: Dont even THINK of parking here!

And reportedly on another: Vehicles found parked here will be stolen by professional thieves, and left stripped somewhere in New Jersey.

This car insured by Smith & Wesson

This car insured by Don Corleone

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were blondes, what would Cheetah be?

A: The smartest of the three.

• This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
• The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
• Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
• It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
• In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
• Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
• When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
• After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own – toothbrush!

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, Cat caught in machine, come quick!

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.