Old and New Jokes

I saw this used on another list – of course it would be inappropriate to actually use it here but enjoy it all the same.

-Mark

Dear

sir

clueless one

twit

great man on campus

madam

dweeb

twerp

comrade

Elvis

moon beam

boor

Obergruppenfuehrer

citoyen

Geek

grad student

cur

You are being gently flamed because.

you continued a boring useless stupid thread

you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to

you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads

you posted a piece riddled with profanities

you advocated Net censorship

you SCREAMED! (used all caps)

you posted some sort of crap that doesnt belong in this group

you posted the inanely stupid Make Money Fast article

you threatened others with physical harm

you made a bigoted statement(s)

you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority

you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve

you repeatedly shown lack of humor

you are apparently under compulsion to post to every threat

you are posting an anonymous attack

Thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Live n Learn.

You can tell its going to be a rotten day when:

• You wake up face down on the pavement.

• You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

• You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

• You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any.

• You turn on the TV and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

• Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.

• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.

• The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

• You wake up and your braces are locked together.

• You walk to work and find your dress is stuck to the back of your pantyhose.

• You call your answering service and they tell you its none of your business.

• Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

• Your pet rock snaps at you.

• Your wife says, Good morning, Bill, and your name is George.

Theres a new book out called The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said, by Ross and Kathryn Petras; Doubleday ($8.99).

Some highlights:

I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first.

– George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

– Vice President Dan Quayle

I must have had ambrosia.

– Milwaukee Brewers Jim Gantner, explaining why he forgot to appear on a talk show.

Were finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant orgasm that is just out of control.

– Arizona Sen. Dennis DeConcini, on a balanced-budget amendment.

You got to be careful if you dont know where youre going, because you might not get there.

– Yogi Berra

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

– President Gerald Ford

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

– Brooke Shields

Youve got to take the bull by the teeth.

– Movie mogul Sam Goldwyn

How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it!

New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by
artificial means. Under no circumstances should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who
couldnt pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it.If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for:(please initial all that apply)_________a martini,_________chocolate,_________a beer,_________a steak,________ the remote control,________ a bowl of ice cream,________ sex,________ a good cigar,it should be presumed that I wont ever get better.When such a determination is reached, I hereby
instruct my appointed person and attending physicians
to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the future of the millions of
Americans who arent in a permanent coma.Signature:___________________________Date: ___________________________Witness: ___________________________

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guys photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

Yes, please she replied. Tell him Mother didnt come after all.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying Ehhhh .. 22!.

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. And can you tell us your height, please?.

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces Five foot two!.

This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying Mandy!.

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?

Ohh that!, replies the blonde, Thats just me running through Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

A fisherman got married and went to a mountain resort for the honeymoon.

The resort clerk saw the man at the pier fishing and asked, why are you fishing?



Shouldn?t you be making love to you?re new bride?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got gonorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk said well you could turn her over and get some booty.



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got diarrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk asked well couldn?t you at least get some head?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got pyorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.





The clerk now in disbelief says gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for?





The fisherman said, She?s also got worms and you know I like to fish.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.