An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there hes quite sexually
promiscuous and takes no precautions. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he awakes one morning to find his privates covered with bright green
and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The
doctor has never seen anything like it and orders tests. He tells the man to
return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later
and the doctor says, Ive got bad news for you. Youve contracted whats
known as Mongolian VD. Its very rare and almost unheard of in the States.
We know very little about it. The man looks a little relieved and says,
Well, okay, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc. The doctor
answers, Im sorry, theres no known cure. Were going to have to amputate
your penis.
The man screams in horror, Oh no! I want a second opinion!. The doctor
replies, Well its your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is the
only acceptable solution. The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that hell know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
him. Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease. The guys says to the
doctor, Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American
doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!. The Chinese doctor shakes
his head and laughs. Stupid American doctor! Always want to operate. Make
more money that way. No need to operate.
The guy is so relieved. Oh, thank God! he exclaims. So theres no need to
amputate my penis after all? No, the Chinese doctor replies. It fall off
by itself!
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
Now, class. Observe closely the worms, said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, Drink whiskey and you wont get worms.
Its the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.
What was the best part about your summer? she asks one boy sitting in the front row.
I went to visit my nanna, he replies.
Its fifth grade now, so well expect you to use the adult word, grandma, okay? says the teacher. The boy nods.
Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. What is your favorite food?
The girl replies, I like peppermint gummy goodies.
Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade, says the teacher. Try to use the adult word, okay? The girl nods.
The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. Do you like to read? she asks.
Yes, maam, he replies.
Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!
The boy thinks for a moment, then says, Yes, Winnie-the-Shit.
The game the whole family can play.
Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants but none of the offspring
survived.
–MAD magazine, circa 1960
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
At the end of a long line of people waiting to get into Lenins tomb
there are people holding newspapers with headlines of the economic and
political changes taking place in Eastern Europe and the USSR. They
look up, smiling, as a passerby asks, Is this the line to see Lenin
turn over in his grave?
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dogs outside in the waiting room!
A n old lady who speaks no English, only Yiddish, goes into a department store looking to buy some baby powder. She cant find any –
but suddenly spots a sales clerk wearing a kippa. Yunger mann, kum aher she calls .Vu fint mn der bebbe pooder?
The sales clerk responds –Ich vil ihr veizen vu tsu geyen – ober ihr muz geyen punkt azoy vi ich key , nor vi ich gey – nisht andres. Kum noch mir un ich vil ihr veisen vu tsu geyen. And he starts down the aisle with the old lady following. him.
Now — this clerk happens to be very bow-legged, very noticeably bow-legged.
When the old lady spots his bowed legs, she lets out a gshrey — Ven ich ken azoy geyen, volt ich nisht gedaft kein bebbe pooder!
A blonde called her brunette friend and said, “Ive been working on this puzzle for weeks, and I cant get it. ” The brunette went over to see what was wrong, and she told the blonde, “Put the cornflakes away….”