Old and New Jokes

A programmer died after leading a rather quit life. This guy was lucky, he got a choice between going to heaven or hell.

So he went on a tour of heaven with St. Peter. All around him people was singing and clapping hands or just leading a mild, peacefull existence. Mmm, this aint bad, thought the programmer. But what does hell look like?, he wondered.

Satan took him on a personal tour of Hell. They went to a bar with beautiful girls who did everything you asked with a smile. You didnt have to pay for anything, and It was situeted in a tropical paradise. Now THIS I could go for.

The programmer chose hell. The moment he set foot there, 4 ugly demons grabbed him and carried him off to a huge fire. Everything smelled fould and diseased, and there wasnt a sign of the tropical paradise he visited on the tour. So he asked Satan about it.

Laughing evilly, Satan replied That was the _demo_, man.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,

While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,

We just settled down at my rig (its a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,

I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,

Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,

Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My Mac jumped to a page that wasnt quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,

Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

Now Compaq! Now Acer!, my speaker did reel;

On Apple! On Gateway! Santa started to squeal!

Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!

Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my Ram,

Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,

Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.

Santa looked like a dude who was rarin to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!

This aint the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,

And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a Dimm,

Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!

He distorted some pictures with Kais Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,

Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,

As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,

St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,

Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,

Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,

Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!

Merry Xmas to you all !!!

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

How did this happen? the doctor asked. Well I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened.

So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!

Youve ever worn hunters orange to church.

You have barnyard animals living in your house.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

Top Causes of Oakwood Fire Alarms



1. Aeresol spray cans.





2. Fog machines.





3. Southsiders burning popcorn in the old microwave.





4. System glitch.





5. Southsiders burning popcorn in the old microwave…again.





6. See number 5.





7. System glitch…again.





8. Southsiders burning popcorn in the new microwave.





9. Its our good old friend, system glitch.





10. yet to be determined.





In short, between the southsiders and the fact that our alarm system is a piece of slag, we have had only 1 planned drill.





P.S. All of the above like to occur at 2:00 a.m. or later.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

A penny saved has not been spent.

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, I dont have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!

To that the man asks, Anything??
And the blonde says, Yes, anything!!
With that, the man says, Follow me.

He walks into the next room and tells her, Come in and close the door.
She does.
He then says, Get on your knees.
She does.
He then says, Take down my zipper.
She does.
He then says, Go ahead, take it out.
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, Well, go ahead!

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, Hello…Mom?