Old and New Jokes

Heres Some Advice from Kids, Aged Eight to Fourteen:

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Sleep in your clothes so youll be dressed in the morning.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Dont ever be too full for desert.

When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer him.

Never tell your mom her diets not working.

Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grad in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone.

Never try to baptize a cat.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never do pranks at a police station.

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like its moving.

Never tell your little brother that youre not going to do what your mom told you to do.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!

Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

1) Cain wasnt Abel.

2) Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.

3) King David sat on the throne for forty years.

4) Solomon – neither heaven nor Earth could move him.

5) Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You cant tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think there is good in everybody, you havent met everybody.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
This is as bad as it can get, but dont count on it.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
The trouble with life is, youre halfway through it before you realize its a do-it-yourself thing.

A: Because they cant fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 42.

Two gays are having sex, when suddenly a guy on the TV says that there is an emergency, and everyone has to leave the city. Which one is ready to leave first?

The one on the bottom, hes already got his shit packed.

• Antes sufría de amnesia, ahora no me acuerdo.

• Al seis lo inventaron en un dos por tres.

• El negocio más expuesto a la quiebra es el de la cristalería.

• Intenté suicidarme y casi me mato.

• Hay quienes estropean relojes para matar el tiempo.

• No quiero trabajar como conductor de autobús porque no me gustan las cosas pasajeras.

• El mejor amigo del perro es otro perro.

• Ahorro debería escribirse sin h, para economizar una letra.

• Dicen que cuando Piscis y Acuario se casan, el matrimonio naufraga.

• Algunos matrimonios acaban bien, otros duran toda la vida.

• El matrimonio es como las libretas de ahorro: de tanto meter y sacar, se pierde el interés.

• El fabricante de ventiladores vive del aire.

• El diabético no puede ir de luna de miel.

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didnt need him anymore.



One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.



The scientist says to God – God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and Ive come to tell you that we really dont need you anymore. I mean, weve been coming up with great theories and ideas, weve cloned sheep, and were on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really dont need you.



God nods understandingly and says. I see. Well, no hard feelings.

But before you go lets have a contest. What do you think?



The scientist says, Sure. What kind of contest?

God: A man-making contest.



The scientist: Sure! No problem.

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, Okay, Im ready!



God replies, No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oswego!
Oswego who?
Oswego marching, marching home …!