When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom:
The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position.
24
Oct
24
Oct
How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One; he stands still and the world revolves around him.
24
Oct
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
24
Oct
Every list seems to go through the same cycle:
1. Initial enthusiasm (people introduce themselves, and gush alot about how wonderful it is to find kindred souls).
2. Evangelism (people moan about how few folks are posting to the list, and brainstorm recruitment strategies).
3. Growth (more and more people join, more and more lengthy threads develop, occasional off-topic threads pop up).
4. Community (lots of threads, some more relevant than others; lots of information and advice is exchanged; experts help other experts as well as less experienced colleagues; friendships develop; people tease each other; newcomers are welcomed with generosity and patience; everyone – newbie and expert alike – feels comfortable asking questions, suggesting answers, and sharing opinions).
5. Discomfort with diversity (the number of messages increases dramatically; not every thread is fascinating to every reader; people start complaining about the signal-to-noise ratio; person 1 threatens to quit if *other* people dont limit discussion to person 1s pet topic; person 2 agrees with person 1; person 3 tells 1 & 2 to lighten up; more bandwidth is wasted complaining about off-topic threads than is used for the threads themselves; everyone gets annoyed).
6a. Smug complacency and stagnation (the purists flame everyone who asks an old question or responds with humor to a serious post; newbies are rebuffed; traffic drops to a doze-producing level of a few minor issues; all interesting discussions happen by private email and are limited to a few participants; the purists spend lots of time self-righteously congratulating each other on keeping off-topic threads off the list).
OR
6b. Maturity (a few people quit in a huff; the rest of the participants stay near stage 4, with stage 5 popping up briefly every few weeks; many people wear out their second or third delete key, but the list lives contentedly ever after).
24
Oct
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a mans penis?
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because theyre practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR
A. Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after theyre born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they dont like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Whats the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run or dont fit right in the crotch!
Q. Why do men whistle when theyre sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. What is the difference between men and women…
A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q. How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
P.S. AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN IS POSSIBLE
23
Oct
Un chino iba a salir del paÃs con 100 Kg de cocaÃna y 1000 dólares. La policÃa lo detiene y le amenaza:
Te vamos a llevar con el cabo, él si te va a dar duro.
Entonces lo llevan con el cabo:
¿Asà que te has querido llevar 75 kilos de cocaÃna y 750 dólares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el coronel.
Al chino lo llevan donde el coronel:
¿Asà que te has querido llevar 50 kilos de cocaÃna y 500 dólares? Ahora vas a ver el capitán, él te va mandar adentro.
Entonces lo llevan con el capitán:
¿Asà que te has querido llevar 25 kilos de cocaÃna y 250 dólares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el mayor, él si te va a mandar a la cárcel y a hacer trabajos forzados.
Entonces lo llevan con el mayor:
¿Asà que te has querido llevar 100 gramos de cocaÃna y 10 dólares?
El chino ya no aguanta y reclama:
Ya, al menos dejal pal pasaje.
23
Oct
El matrimonio estaba conversando:
Mi amor, ¿crees en el amor a primera vista?
¡Claro! Si te hubiera mirado dos veces no me habrÃa casado.
***
Sabes querida, cuando hablas me recuerdas al mar.
¡Qué lindo mi amor! !No sabÃa que te impresionara tanto!
No me impresionas… ¡me mareas!
***
El marido le pregunta a su mujer:
¿Querida, cuando me muera vas a llorar mucho?
Claro, sabes que lloro por cualquier tonterÃa…
***
Un matrimonio visita al médico. Tras examinar a la mujer, el médico le dice al marido:
La verdad es que no me gusta el aspecto de su esposa.
Ni a mi, pero es que su padre es rico.
***
¡Auxilio, socorro, amor que llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!
¡Shhhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido, no vayas a despertar a tu madre.
23
Oct
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!
the panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?
Why yes, the barman answered. Your a panda.
Good, the panda nodded Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary. And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
23
Oct
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs.
And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and splash theyre all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: Three years Ive spent learning to swim with my freakin ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!
23
Oct
A lady walks into the mall. She smells her perfume, ahh, $50 an ounce.She walks off. Another lady walks into the mall. She smells her perfume, ahhh, $100 an ounce. The last lady walks into the mall and farts. Ahhh, Broccli, 98 cents a pound.