Old and New Jokes

Old Fishing Proverb (Mach 2)

Give a man a fish and hell eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and hell spend all day in a boat drinking beer.

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?

Just look at your drivers license!

The farmer was out working in his field, about a half mile from his house.

In the distance, he sees his six year old son running to him. When the son arrives, he tells his father that a preacher has showed up unannounced. The father asks his son which local preacher it is. The son responds that he hasnt seen him before.

The farmer tells his son that he has a little more work to do before he can head back to the house.

He tells his son to go back to the house and ask the preacher if he is a Methodist. If he says yes, then go hide the fried chicken that his mom is making.

If the preacher says he is a Protestant, then the son is to go hide his moonshine.

If the preacher says that he is a Baptist, the son is to sit on his mothers lap until he gets there!

Before I came to college I wish I had known…

• that it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class Id sleep right through it.
• that I would change so much and barely realize it.
• that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
• that college kids throw airplanes, too.
• that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why youre so dressed up.
• that every clock on campus shows a different time.
• that if you were smart in high school – so what?
• that I would go to a party the night before a final.
• that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together.
• that you can know everything and fail a test.
• that you can know nothing and ace a test.
• that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie.
• that home is a great place to visit.
• that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes.
• that friendship is more than getting drunk together.
• that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
• that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
• that Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.
• that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math.
• that I really wouldnt be with that high school (boy/girl)friend for the rest of my life.
• that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time.
• that beer would play an intricate role in my future.
• that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life.
• how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home.
• that I would no longer get allowance.

Thanx to William Conway.

A whorehouse, coffeehouse, bookstore, and dentist all exist in the same two story building on the south side of boston, with the bookstore/dentist beiing on the first floor and other two above.

They all start business on the same date.

Q: Which one will go out of business first?

A. The bookstore, cuz theres too much fucking overhead.

OJ Simpsons website address:

www dot o dot j dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you. She then wrote a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers

1. Coors put its slogan, Turn it loose, into Spanish where it was read as Suffer from diarrhea.

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.



3. Clairol introduced the Mist Stick, a curling iron, into German only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.



4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of whats inside, since most people cant read.



5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.



6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Popes visit. Instead of I saw the Pope (el papa), the shirts read I saw the potato (la papa).



7. Pepsis Come alive with the Pepsi Generation translated into Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave, in Chinese.



8. Frank Perdues chicken slogan, it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken was translated into Spanish as it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.



9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as Ke-kou-ke-la, meaning Bite the wax tadpole or female horse stuffed with wax, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent ko-kou-ko-le, translating into happiness in the mouth.



10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, it wont leak in your pocket and embarrass you. Instead, the company thought that the word embarazar (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. My husband, said the first, is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love.

Mine is a jeweler, the second said. he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love.

The third woman paused … Well, she finally said, my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great its going to be when I get it.