Old and New Jokes

Heres my favourite recipe for fruit cake.

Youll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Dont forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who dont have accounts with their bank, the teller said, Why if he didnt have an account here, I wouldnt cash a check for my own brother.

The irate customer replied, Well … you know your family a lot better than I.

The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

Fuck is such a versatile word…

Greetings: How the fuck are you!

Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.

Trouble: Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Confusion: What the fuck…?

Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!

Denial: I didnt fucking do it.

Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?

Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?

Directions: Fuck off.

Chronology: Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Business: I hate this fucking job.

Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

Where the fuck is all that water coming from?

-Captain of the Titanic

Thats not a fucking real gun.

-John Lennon

Whos going to fucking know?

-President Nixon

Any fucking idiot could understand that.

-Albert Einstein

What the fuck was that?

-Mayor of Hiroshima

It fucking does so look like her.

-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?

-Pythagoras

You want what on the fucking ceiling?

-Michelangelo

Fuck a duck.

-Walt Disney

Scattered showers my fucking ass!

-Noah

Pick up the fuckin phone!

-E.T.

Fuck Logic!

-Spock

I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

-Darth Vader

Fuck Im hungry!

-Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

-Yoda

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn wouldve done it.

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks in the dirt, the first blonde says, Look at those bear tracks.

The second blonde says,Those arent bear tracks, those are deer tracks.

The first blonde says No theyre not, there bear tracks.

The second blonde argues back.

No theyre not, theyre deer tracks.

Then, they both got hit by the train.

Una vez dos mujeres decidieron salir una noche porque sus maridos eran los que siempre salían.

Cuando regresaban en la madrugada de una buena parrandita, a una le dieron deseos de mear y a la otra de cagar, pero lo único que había cerca era un cementerio.

Decidieron bajarse, la que meó no encontró con que limpiarse, así que se limpió con el panty y lo tiró. La que necesitaba cagar tampoco encontró con que limpiarse así que cogió la cinta de una corona de flores y se limpió con ella.

La mañana siguiente los maridos se llaman y uno le dice al otro: Parece que nuestras mujeres la pasaron bien anoche, porque la mía llegó sin panties

Y el otro le contesta: Por lo menos la tuya llegó sin panties, la mía llegó con un moño en el culo que decía: Nunca te olvidaremos.

A painting cotractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP. They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, GREEN SIDE UP. The woman was curious but didnt say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled GREEN SIDE UP. Finally the woman asked, why do you keep yelling that out the window? Im sorry, he replied, but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.