Old and New Jokes

An arm less man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replied, The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

Its a very cold winters night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.

When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick all night.

The guy on the right says, I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick too.

The guy in the middle says, I had a dream I went skiing.

Buena: Al maestro le agrada tu hijo.

Mala: Sexualmente.

Buena: Vas a un table dance con tus amigos.

Mala: Tu hija lo encabeza.

Buena: Tu novio está a dieta.

Mala: Le va a quedar tu ropa.

Buena: Tu hija practica sexo seguro.

Mala: Tiene 11 años.

Buena: Tu vecina se ejercita desnuda.

Mala: Pesa 135 Kg.

Buena: A tu esposa le gusta el sexo al aire libre.

Mala: Viven en un multifamiliar.

Buena: Tu esposa acaba de experimentar su primer orgasmo.

Mala: Con el cartero.

Buena: Tu esposa tiene el estómago plano.

Mala: ¡Y el pecho también!

Buena: Tu novia tiene cabello rubio, suave y largo.

Mala: Bajo el brazo.

There were two kids (both african american) it was halloween night and the two kids the brother and the sister wanted to go out trick or treatting but to do so they had to put on a costume first they dressed up as batman and robbin so they went next door dressed up and their neighbor says so who are you two supposed to be and they reply batman and robin she says batman and robin are not black so they go home and dress as raggady Ann and Raggady Andy they do the same they go next door and knock the woman asks the same question and they reply Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy and the woman says but Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy are not black so they go home and they change once more but being frustrated by all the remarks the girl says oh I have an idea take off all your clothes so they do and go next door and knock they woman asttonished opens the door and says oh my! and now what do you say you are ? the kids reply two hershey bars, one with nuts and one without!

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Its irrelevant; they still dont accept the fact that theyre in the dark!

Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.

So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all your crose. So she did. Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.

So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, OK now crawl reery fass toward me, so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said Your probrem vewy bad,y ou haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.

Confused, the woman asked, What is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang replied, It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

NOTE FROM CHRIS: Yo, homeboys and homegirls, todays list is a Top5 O.L., originally published back in the day (July 3, 1996).

20. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
19. The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
18. The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
17. Alice in WonderBraLand
16. The Legend of Three-Card Monte
15. 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
14. The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
13. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
12. Where the Wildings Are
11. The Little Big Book of Necrophelia
10. The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
9. Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
8. The Crack House at Pooh Corner
7. The Dummys Guide to Crying
6. When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
5. Wheres Waldos Weewee?
4. The Dyslexics Big Anagram Book
3. Barneys Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
2. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

   and Top5s Number 1 Rejected Childrens Book…

1. Furious George Delivers the Mail

[           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]

[  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]

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Q: Did you hear about the hillbilly that passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his widow?

A: She cant touch it till she turns fourteen.