This one woman who was in her late 40s went to the plastic surgen. She wanted an entire face lift and so the doctor said he had this new technique. The woman asked how it was done so the doctor explained it. He said that he would cut two slits on top of her head and tie them into a knot. The woman asked why he would put a knot, and the doctor said that it was so if her face felt a little droopy, when she twisted it to the right, it would tighten the skin on her face. The woman decided to get the surgery done.The doctor told her to come back in four months so he could check up on how she was doing. During the four months the woman had tightened the knot quite a bit. When the woman had finally gone back to see the doctor, she had been complaining about her bags under her eyes being heavy.The doctor examined her for one minute and said, lady, those arent bags under your eyes, theyre your tits! And then the lady said, that would explain the gotee on my chin!
A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks its wrong, but also because he doesnt want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: Ill be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: Did you really change the names of all the variables?
Sure! the classmate replies. When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that hes the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!
A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside
looking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door.
The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married,
and dont have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days.
The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn,
where they retire to immediately. A few days go by and there is no sign of
the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a
bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up, Are you all right
in there?
Yes thank you, comes the reply.
Arent you getting hungry? asked the farmer, You havent been out for a
week.
Its all right, comes
the reply, were living off the fruits of love.
Well, said the farmer,
I do wish youd stop throwing the skins out the window!
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
Listen, said the CEO, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?
Certainly, said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the
paper, and pressed the start button.
Excellent, excellent! said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine, I just need one copy.
Lesson I – Never, ever assume that your boss knows everything.
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want
to open a damn checking account.
To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?
Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account! Right now!
Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.
Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager
to tell him about her problem customer.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the
problem here?
Theres no damn problem, sonny, the elderly man says, I just won 50 million
bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this
damn bank!
I see, says the manager thoughtfully, And youre saying that this bitch here
is giving you a hard time?
Lesson II – If you are rich, you can get away with almost anything.
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to L.A. when the
American turned to the Japanese and asked, What kind of -ese are you?
The Japanese, confused, replied, Sorry but I dont understand what you mean.
The American repeated, What kind of -ese are you?
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, yelled, What kind of -ese are you? Are you
Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, or what?
The Japanese then replied, Oh, I am Japanese.
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of -key
was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, What do you mean what kind of -key am I?!
The Japanese said, Are you a Yankee, a donkey, or a monkey?
Lesson III – Never insult anyone.
There were these four guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who
found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the four guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, I will
give each of you one wish that Ill fulfill. Next to you are four swimming
pools. When you run towards the pool and jump, shout what you want the pool of
water to become, and your wish will come true.
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, Wine!
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was happy
swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next was the Russians turn. He did the same and shouted, Vodka! and immersed
himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, Beer! He was content with his
beer pool.
The last was the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he
stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, Shit!
Lesson IV – Mind your language, you never know what it will land you in.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that its electrified.
Q: Whats the difference between a Blonde and a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of Birth Control for Blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: Ill have a B and C.
Bartender: What is a B and C?.
Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.
Redhead: And, Ill have a G and T.
Bartender: Whats a G and T?
Redhead: Gin and tonic.
Blonde: Ill have a 15.
Bartender: Whats a 15?
Blonde: 7 and 7
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and
that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan
replied, Shoot, a little ol tower like that? In Houston wed have that
thing up in two weeks!
House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544, completed 1618
Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a
year!
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. Whoah! Whats
that over there? Damned if I know, wasnt there yesterday…
Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill
The young man working in the produce department of a large grocery store was approached by a customer who said he wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The young man was taken aback somewhat and indicated he would have to check with the store manager.
So the produce clerk went to the store managers office for instruction. He stood in the doorway of the office and said, Theres some dumbhead out here who wants to buy just half a head of lettuce.
Then, noticing that the customer had come up behind him, he added, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.
The manager said, Sell it.
Later, the manager sought out this young man and complimented him on his quick wit and intelligence in the way he had side-stepped a potentially sticky situation. You are just the kind of man we want in management. In fact, I want you to take over our biggest store in Montreal.
The clerk responded, Montreal!! The only people who come from there are hookers and hockey players! Why would I want to go to Montreal?!
When the manager said icily, My wife happens to be from Montreal!
The clerk came right back with, Really? What position does she play?
I was driving my four year old son home from day care
when seemingly out of the blue, he asked Daddy, is my voice
going to change one day?
Yes, it is I replied.
Why? he immediately wanted to know.
As I was pondering exactly how much of the tale I needed to
tell him at his tender age, he very excitedly popped out:
Well, when my voice changes, Im going to speak Spanish!