The incredibly dumb
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation
Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia: Approach me
Lao Ze Sho: Gilligans Island
Lao Ze: Not very good
Lin Ching: An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai: A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice
Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said Buffalo come.
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?
Tonto replied, Face sticky.
Q: What is a recent Democrat graduates usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. Shed seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.
The voice came once more, FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, Is that you, Lord?
The voice replied, NO you idiot!…this is the Ice-Rink Manager.
Just think, if the pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy for thanksgiving
To YOU Im an atheist; to God, Im the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen
Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. –Ambrose Bierce
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. –Reverend Chichester
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you dont believe? –Quentin Crisp
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. –Andrew Lias
God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. –Dr J D McCoughey
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. –H.L. Mencken
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didnt
work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. –Emo Phillips
She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead
clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out
all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really
swear every time the dice caught fire… –Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. –Unknown
I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. –Unknown
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. –Unknown