09
Feb

Real programmers dont notch their

Real programmers dont notch their desks for each completed service request.

09
Feb

100 ways to annoy the pizza guy

100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, Remember, we never had this conversation.
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and youre going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim Oh, just surprise me! and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallicas Master of Puppets CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say crazy bread.
15. Stutter on the letter p.
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker youre depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say Bed-Wetters Camp, right?
26. Start your order with Id like. . . . A little later, slap yourself and say No, I dont.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say OK. Thatll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long i sound.
32. Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.
33. Say Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say Well, so is this! Youve got some explaining to do! When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, Do you know what its like to be lied to?
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order takers voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say What would you like? say, Huh? Oh, you mean now.
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say its your anniversary and youd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say youll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout Im through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say Where was I? Who are you?
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, No, theyll start fighting.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didnt mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor hes fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like Great Caesars Ghost and Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting todays date and saying, This may be my last entry.
71. State your order and say thats as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if theyre familiar with the term spanking a pizza. Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say Kssssssssssssssht rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order takers psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebritys voice. Stress that you wont take any crap from some two-bit cant-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, Theres a bomb under your seat. When asked to repeat that, say I said sauce smothered with meat.
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say No mushrooms, please. Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just dont get it, do you?
84. When youge given the price, say Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say Will that be all?, snicker and say Well find out, wont we?
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word pizza. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say Please dont mention that word.
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell OW! when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get takers name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so. Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

And finally, if any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, use this gem…

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, Last guy let me do it.

09
Feb

Rich As Rockefeller

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, How has everything been going with you?

Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, Im as rich as Rockefeller.

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, Chapter Eleven.

09
Feb

Microsoft Panhandling

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times.
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu.
Except for the fact that theyre stinking rich.
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
(This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our
diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish
a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank
account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the
program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has
not yet been implemented.
Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard
Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the
next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
Maybe.
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
will clean up your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift, says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison.
I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for
change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.
Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General
pandemonium then ensued.

09
Feb

Why you shouldnt cheat on a blonde

A Blonde came home one day from work and found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and put it up to her head threatening to commit sucide.

The boyfriend in shock screams, No honey dont do it, I am so sorry! Then the blonde says, Shut up! Youre next!

09
Feb

Managements recreational preferences

After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate Americas recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated individuals is BASKETBALL
The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING
The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

09
Feb

Never Lie to your Mother

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? Julie said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

09
Feb

The virgin and the farmer boy.

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, What are they doing? He says: Theyre making love.

Well, whats that long thing hes sticking in there? She asked. Oh, uh, thats his rope, he answered.

Well, what are those two round things on the other end? she asked. He says, Those are his knots. She says, Oh, ok, I got it.

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, I want you to make love to me the way those animals were. Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. Whoa, what are you doing?! he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, Im untying the knots so Ill get more rope!

09
Feb

Presidential Test (adult)

Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?
Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wifes half sister?
Which president called his mistress Pookie?
Which president married a woman who hadnt yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?
Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbors wife while he was engaged to someone else?
Which president had a torrid affair with the first ladys personal secretary?
Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more impressive (i.e. numerous) than the Presidents?
Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis (which he named Jumbo)?

 
 
 
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ANSWERS

John F. Kennedy
Bill Clinton
Lyndon B. Johnson
Thomas Jefferson
Bill Clinton
Andrew Jackson
George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
Warren G. Harding
John F. Kennedy
Lyndon B. Johnson
Lyndon B. Johnson

09
Feb

Q: How do you change a blondes mind?

A2: Buy her another beer.