06
Nov

Cannibals and Politicians

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…

Broiled Missionary: $25.00

Fried Explorer: $35.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , Why such a price difference for the politician?

The cook replied Have you ever tried to clean one of them?

06
Nov

A Trip to the Meat Market

A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. That will be $6.35, he told the customer.

That really is a little too small, said the woman. Dont you have anything larger?



Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.



This one, he said faintly, will be $6.65.



The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. I know what, she said, Ill take both of them!

06
Nov

A Single Tree Theory

Special Report from Rooterz Newz Service, Palm Beach, CA

The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and death of Michael Kennedy in
tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz.

The ominous parallels cant be denied:

  • William Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO.
  • Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA.

  • An Aspen is a kind of tree.
  • The word Tahoe is Native American for tree.

  • Bono was interviewed by MTV VJ Kennedy at the last Republican.
  • Kennedy had a secretary named Loni–which rhymes, sort of, with Sonny.

  • Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just share.
  • Bono was once married to Cher.

  • Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace himself.
  • After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced Bono managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of idolized Mayor and then Congressman.

  • Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl.
  • Bono had a daughter named, ironically, Chastity.

These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree Theory: the idea that in fact there werent two individual trees involved, but rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who would have a reason to target both of these men? The obvious answer is the powerful enforcement arm of the National Forest Service. Created in the early 50s, the NFS recently had its funding questioned by Bonos House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono. But what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every government program known to man? When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward responded, I dont know what the heck youre talking about.

Indeed!



Thanx to Douglas V Taylor.

06
Nov

Very Bad News

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, Six shots?! Whats wrong? I found out my older brother is gay, replied the man.



The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. What now? asked the bartender. I found out my younger brother is gay, replied the man.



The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? asked the bartender. The man replied, Yeah, my wife does.

06
Nov

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. Im much too young to die! Im only 35!

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, Im afraid that their is no mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours youve billed to your clients, and youre at least 108 years old!

06
Nov

Lecture on economy

Two husbands leaning on a bar in the pub.

Did you give your wife a lecture on economy like I told you?

Yes, I certainly did.

And what was the result?

Ive got to give up smoking!

06
Nov

Dictionary of Dating

Attraction
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
Love at first sight
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely choosy people meet.
Dating
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to
get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
Birth control
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special
pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
Easy
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
Eye contact
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located
in her chest.
Friend
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
Indifference
A womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man
as playing hard to get.
Interesting
A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
Irritating habit
What the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
Law of relativity
How attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Nymphomaniac
A mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
Sober
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

06
Nov

A cop saw a car

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.He said, Im going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol. She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, It looks like youve had a couple of stiff ones.She replied, You mean it shows that, too?!

06
Nov

Hail to the Moron

Its finally come out why George W. is pushing childhood literacy. He wants Americas children to be better off than he is.

05
Nov

Something you just cant explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened thats so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm…

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in….. 

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