20
May

Afghanistan town names … post-bombardment

Wherz-myroof
Mykamel-izded
Oshit-Disisbad
Waddi-El-Izgowinon
Pleez-Ztopdishit
Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
Ikantstan-Disnomore
Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
Myturbin-Izburnin
Imma-Dedshmuck

20
May

Music jokes

Q. How can you tell if theres a drummer at your door?

A. The knocking speeds up.

Q. How can you tell if theres a singer at your door?

A. They dont know when to come in.

20
May

What Forrest Gump would say in other situations?

I just thought these up:

Death is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– A Matter of Life and Death

A strip club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– Striptease

Sex is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– (Quite a number of movies)

And my favorite …

Creating life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get

– Jurassic Park

20
May

The space age

I love it when commercials mention space-age technology. It doesnt seem to occur to many people that the space age has been going on for over 40 years now …

20
May

Energizer Bunny arrested!

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery

20
May

Short Lawyer Jokes IV

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here? Sure do, replied the bartender. Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and Ill have a lawyer for my gator.

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow – one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator —-It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. …Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse? Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from?

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head?

A2: No.

20
May

Typewriter To Doctor

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

20
May

Brain Tumor

A man went to the doctors. The doctor came in and said, Well, Ive
got some good news and some bad news.

The patient sighed, Okay, give me the bad news first.

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

The patient looked very grave, and asked, And what are the good news,
anything to help me with the brain tumor?

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain
transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young
couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The
mans brain is $100,000.00 and the womans brain is $30,000.00.

Im glad to hear theres something you can do to help me, the man
replied, But, out of curiousity, why is there such a big difference
in the price of male and female brain?

The doctor replied, The female brain is used.

19
May

You grow Vidalia onions, rather

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

19
May

Coming or going

Q: Why is a mans pee yellow and his sperm white?

A: So he can tell if hes coming or going.

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