09
Dec

Bingo Card

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says Honey, look what I won at bingo.



Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,Honey look what I won at bingo.



Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says Honey, look what I won at bingo.



The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – Honey shall I draw you a bath? To which she replies Why sure.



As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.



She asks how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?



To which the husband replies…

I wouldnt want you to get your bingo card wet!

09
Dec

Sugar In Urine

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?

A: She peed on her corn flakes.

09
Dec

the dad

this lady walks in the dentist and said is this gonna hurt and the dentist said no its just a screw.

09
Dec

bartender survey

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:IF WOMEN DRINK:Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink : Mixed drinks – no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, shell send YOU a drink.Drink : Wine – (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is…and youre in.Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk…and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.Cider : Hes probably under-aged and wants to get laid.Cheap Domestic Beer : Hes poor / student and wants to get laid.Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.Bitter : Hes old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laidGuinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.Wine : Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.Port : Thinks hes sophisticated, secretl

09
Dec

What is the difference between a woman and a pool table?

On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays out.

09
Dec

Flavor test

A man was doing a study of childrens senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, What is the flavor, and what color is it? The children began to say, Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange.

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but cant decipher the taste. Well, he said, Ill give you a clue. Its what your mother would call your father.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: Everybody spit it out, theyre assholes!

09
Dec

How can you tell someone is a true music lover?

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?

A: When they put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

09
Dec

Bath Time.

It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily. Ive been saved.

Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.

Did he now? said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.

Is that a fact? said the old nun even more evenly.

At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.

That wicked old Devil! said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

09
Dec

The Lyin King

Whats the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

Ones an African lion, and the others a lion African.

09
Dec

PMS and the Bible?

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, Pastor there are some things in life that arent addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded, There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.

The woman responded, PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, Yes, its the part where Mary rides Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.

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