12
Aug

Alternative ways of bear hunting

Upon arrival at their hunting, a group of hunters discover that there is an enormous bear sitting on the roof of the cabin. Not wanting to wait to see if the bear will leave on its own, the hunters race into the cabin, phone the game commission, and ask them to send someone out to remove the bear.

A few hours pass before a truck pulls up from the game commission. A man steps from the truck a looks over the situation. He then gets in the back of his truck and returns with his equipment which consists of a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog.

The man from the game commission approaches the hunters and hands one man the shotgun, tells the dog to sit next to the cabin and sets the ladder up against the cabin. Couriosity got the best of the hunter holding the shotgun and he asked the man, How are you going to trap a bear using a ladder, a baseball bat and a dog?

The man from the GC replied, Im using the ladder to climb on the roof. When I get to the roof the bear will charge me and Ill knock him off of the roof with the baseball bat. And this dog is a specially trained hunting dog that knows that when something falls from the sky, he is supposed to attack it by the testicles, and drag the poor SOB into the cage in the back of my truck.

Still curious, the hunter with the shotgun asks, Then why am I holding this shotgun.

The man replied, Thats in case the bear knocks me off of the roof first … you better shoot that god-damned dog fast.

12
Aug

Tail Light On A Bike

On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike youve got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."

Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid
a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took th

The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, thats a nice horse you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure
did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to
put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

12
Aug

Aussies

Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit?

A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside….. and too many of them will give you the shits!

12
Aug

The Moose Hunters

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, Ill be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please. When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. I told you guys only one moose! the furious flier screamed. Theres no way the plane can take off with that much weight! Youre just a chicken pilot, one hunter said. We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasnt afraid to take off. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it. They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. Where are we? one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.

12
Aug

The Red Shirt

One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off the coast of England when the scout yells, Theres a English ship on the horizon. Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, who valiantly says, Bring me my red shirt. The captain dons the shirt and the British ship commences the attack. The captain and his men fight valiantly and crush the british attackers.A few days later, the scout yells, There are three English ships on the horizon. Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, and again he says (in his most manly voice), Bring me my red shirt. Again, the English ships begin their attack and the pirates fight off all three of the attacking ships.After the battle is over, one of the mates sheepishly approaches the captain and asks, Sir, why do you keep asking for your red shirt? The captain replies, I ask for the red shirt so if I am injured in battle, you will not see my blood, and will continue to fight. The crew is in awe with these words.The following week, the scout yells, There are ten English ships on the horizon. The crew again looks to the captain, waiting for him to ask for his red shirt. He is silent for a moment and then says, Bring me my brown pants.

12
Aug

The farmer and the drifter

There was a farmer working on his fence when a drifter stopped to chat.

The drifter told the farmer that he was awfully thirsty and asked if he could have a bucket to go get some milk from the milkweed in his field.

The farmer chuckled, and said,

Hell boy, if you think you can get milk from milkweed, Ill give you two buckets!

Shaking his head and laughing the farmer watched him walk down through the field.

He yelled for his wife to come outside. Honey, there is a dumbass out yonder thinkin hes gonna get milk from milkweed!

The farmers wife giggled,Theres nothing wrong with having an imagination.

The farmer started working on his fence again. About 30 minutes later the drifter came carrying two buckets of milk.

I sure do appreciate it, sir. Some honey sure would be good with this milk. I see that you have honeysuckle over there, said the drifter.

Puzzled, the farmer said, Well, now I guess youre thinkin you gonna get honey out of honeysuckles.

Only with your permission, sir.

Intrigued, the farmer hesitated, then went and got the drifter two more buckets.

The drifter went off through the field.

The farmer yelled for his wife to come outside again. This milk here is a little hard to figure out, but I know good and damn well that boys not gonna get honey from honeysuckles!

Sure enough here the drifter came, with two buckets full of honey.

Well, Ill be!, squeeled the farmer.

If I could just trouble you one more time sir, then Ill be on my way… I see that you have some pussywillow over there.

Wait up boy, Im goin with you!

12
Aug

Murphys Law on Love and Sex

Dont worry. Ive had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. I wont come in your mouth, I promise. Im not really married. Its only a cold sore. Looks arent important to me. I like you for your personality. Size isnt important. This wont hurt, I promise. We dont have to go all the way, well just lie here and hold each other. Well always be together. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who dont have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason (corollary to the above law). If you cant stand his mother and he cant stand yours, then youre bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but dont get caught. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when shes tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if its done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa… When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature. and Murphys number one law on love and sex: Dont fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

12
Aug

Employee of the Month

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.(1) Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.
(2) His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.
(3) I would not allow this employee to breed.
(4) This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite wont be.
(5) Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
(6) When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
(7) He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
(8) This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
(9) He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
(10) This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
(11) This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the better.
(12) Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
(13) A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
(14) He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
(15) He doesnt have ulcers, but hes a carrier.
(16) I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
(17) Hes been working with glue too much.
(18) He would argue with a signpost.
(19) He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.
(20) He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
(21) When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
(22) If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ….. hes the other one.
(23) A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
(24) A prime candidate for natural deselection.
(25) Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
(26) Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
(27) Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
(28) If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.
(29) If you give him a penny for his thoughts, youd get change.
(30) If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
(31) Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.
(32) One neuron short of a synapse.
(33) Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;….. he only gargled.
(34) Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
(35) The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

12
Aug

Overpopulation

Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.

One physician says, Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin so bad that perty soon, they aint gonna be room for everbody! Theresa gonna be standin room only on this here planet!

The other doctor replied, Heck, that sure oughta slow em down a bit!

12
Aug

What is the similarity between lightning and a violists fingers?

Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violists fingers?

A: They both never strike the same place twice.

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