06
Aug

Tackle

Q: Which one of the fishing equipment does a football players use?



A: a tackle box.

06
Aug

Somebodys Got Bad Hearing

A man goes to his doctor and says, ?I don?t think my wife?s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?? The doctor replies, ?Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn?t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.? The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, ?What?s for dinner, honey?? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, ?Honey, what?s for supper?? She screams, ?For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!?

06
Aug

Pessimists have already begun to

Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.

06
Aug

Full House!

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his

father. He opens his dads bedroom door and finds his mom and dad

humping away on the bed! Dad! says Johnny, What are you doing!

Johhnys father stops humping for a second and says Well, Johnny, Im

playing poker…and your mothers the wild card. Oh,says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to

look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brothers bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! Ernie! cried Johnny, What are you doing!. Ernie stops humping for a second and says, Well…Im playing poker, Johnny… and Thelma is the wildcard. Oh, says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnnys dad approached Johnnys room to call him to dinner. He

opens Johnnys bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was

going out of style! Johnny! his father said, I see youre playing

poker, but wheres your wildcard?

Johnny replies, With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!

06
Aug

If Operating Systems Ran Your Car

What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car.

MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Windows NT
You get in the car and write a letter that says go to the store. Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store. The car drives you to church instead, because the store has mysteriously exploded.

Apple
As you set out for the store, a hurricane comes up. The streets flood and the windshield wipers quit. You wash up in front of a store on a desert island in the South Pacific.

UNIX
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. You screech off at 200 miles per hour and arrive at the barber shop.

Taligent/Pink
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

Amiga
You get in the car and tell it to go to the store. It takes you to a shopping mall on the Moon.

VAX
You get in the car and find that the controls are all labeled in Egyptian hieroglyphics. You press several buttons at random and suddenly find yourself parked in front of a store, next to an Apple.

OS/2
After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of fuel, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing you and half the town.

S/36 SSP (mainframe, obviously)
You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400
An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.

06
Aug

Time share holiday advert

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE
FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMANS GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER
TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!!
YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!

Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming
pool and radio telescope.
Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
A lifetimes supply of Plutonium (or a years, whichever
is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
Belgium.
Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony
with one ear. Oh, in fact thats HIM, sorry.
Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, The Gods strike back
which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out
that Siegfried isnt really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance
for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that
you can get the thing performed.
A dozen Stradivarius violins.
A piece of slightly used chewing gum.

APPLY NOW TO CLAIM YOUR FREE GIFT!!! OBVIOUSLY WE CANT TELL
YOU YET WHICH ONE YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO
WIN ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS, WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED (EXCEPT IN
THE CASE OF (7) OF COURSE) [joke]

WHAT WAS THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE?

Oh all right, doesnt look as good though, does it?

Anyway, to claim the free gift, all you have to do is turn up at
a presentation on Wednesday evening next week, where our
salesmen will try and talk you into buying a ludicrously
overpriced timeshare on a holiday tent in the Gobi desert.

Isnt that what youve always wanted? You too can spend the
first two weeks of February dying of thirst EVERY YEAR!!!

But there is no compulsion to buy of course, and it is certainly
not true that those who dont buy get beaten up. Well not
necessarily.

BY the way, if you ARE going to be out next Wednesday, please
leave a window open and turn off burglar alarms, give the dog a
sleeping pill, etc. Our sister company Globsquirtle Burglaries
Inc. may be sending a salesman round…

See you on Wednesday…

06
Aug

Indian policeman

Do you know the similarity between a rainbow and an Indian policeman ?
Well, both appear after the storm has abated.

06
Aug

A German, an American, and a Mexican….

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds, I will take oil! So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, What do you want on your back?

I will take nothing! says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American. He responds, Ill take the Mexican.

06
Aug

Gurkhas – the Martial Race

[Ed: Edited]
(From article <6907@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> in soc.culture.indian:)

06
Aug

Lesser Of Two Evils

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood

and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the

cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two

weevils.

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