31
Oct

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

31
Oct

Animal Sounds

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: What does the cow say? Child: Moo! Mother: Great! What does the cat say? Child: Meow. Mother: Oh, youre so smart! What does the frog say?



And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, Bud.

31
Oct

King of the Jungle…

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?

The terrified ox stammers, Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like itd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –
Just because you dont know the answer, you dont have to get so upset about it!

31
Oct

Gun Shopping

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

31
Oct

c:>… File not found. Should

c:>… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

31
Oct

Never put off until tomorrow

Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.

31
Oct

Sunburnt Manhood

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his tool. But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young mans sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed – So, thats how you guys load those things!

31
Oct

ONE with the land!

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.

He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were one with the land.

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, You see that Indian?

Yeah, says the city-slicker.

Look, says the cowboy, hes listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!

Just then the Indian looks up. Covered wagon, he says, about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.

Incredible! says the cousin to the cowboy.

This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!

The Indian looks up and says…

Ran over me about a half hour ago.

31
Oct

The Poo List!

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but theres no poo in the bowl.

The Clean poo – The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.

The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Poo- Thats the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think youve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo thats so enormous youre afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, youve barely got your pants down and youre done.

The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, youd swear its got to be coming out sideways.

The I-think-Im-turning-into-a-bunny Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

The What-the-hell-died-in-here Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you dont warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.

The I-just-know-theres-a-turd-still-dangling-there Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

31
Oct

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible …

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives, she spoke wisely. I agree completely, maam, the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. This bottle of wine wasnt even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship. Thats a great idea, miss, the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. Im sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some? No, thanks, came the reply. Ill just wait on the cops to get here.