My girlfriend and some of her friends went in to Burger King a few months
ago, interested in getting those Barnyard Commandos that they were
offering a while ago. She walked up to the counter, asked for them, and was
politely informed that one has to purchase something to get them.

She then said, Sometimes you gotta break the rules.

She got them.

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho? Sardarji replies Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun

A man with a nagging secret couldnt keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

What did you take? his priest asked.

Enough to build my own house and enough for my sons house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.

This is very serious, the priest said. I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?

No, Father, I havent, the man replied. But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary cant believe it!

He says, Whats wrong with you? Were being boiled alive! Theyre gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?

The other missionary says, I just peed in the soup!

Al llegar al cielo había una entrada para hombres y otra para mujeres. Por la entrada de hombres, había dos puertas, una con un letrero que decía: MI MUJER MANDABA EN MI CASA, y otra con un letrero que decía YO MANDABA EN MI CASA.

Como es de suponerse, en la primera puerta, había una cantidad enorme de hombres esperando, mientras que en la segunda puerta, no había nadie. Un día un recién llegado al cielo tomó la opción de entrar por la segunda puerta. Todos los presentes se sorprendieron muchísimo, y cuchicheaban entre sí, hasta que por fin alguien se animó a preguntarle al recién llegado la razón de que hubiera elegido esa puerta, a lo que el hombre respondió:

Es que mi mujer me dijo que me formara aquí.

Things you dont want to hear during surgery:



1. Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness

4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?

6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Damn, there go the lights again…

10. Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.

13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

14. I hope his family wont miss him

15. And now we remove the subjects brain and place it in the body of the ape.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

18. Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.

19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse

My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption

Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys

Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard

Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive

Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.



Other features:

OK = ats aww-right

cancel = hail no

reset = awa shoot

yes D shore

no = naaaaa

find = hunt-fer it

go to = over yonder

help = hep me out here

stop = ternit off

start = crank it up

settings = sittins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = stuff I done done



Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.



Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:

tiperiter = a word processor

colering book = a graphics program

addin mershene = calculator

scratch paper = notepad

jupe-box = CD player

inner-net = microsoft explorer

pichers = a graphics viewer

IRS = M/S accounting software

IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files

coon dog = American Kennel Club records

fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records

NRA = National Rifle Association

shot gun = Remington arms price list

riffel = Winchester price list

pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list

truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code

house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code

car = same as truck

cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)

tax records = usually an empty file

shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)

bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code

racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code

doc = vetrinarians by zip code



We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version

What women say… …What they mean…

——————————————————————-



Cant we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going

to let any part of your body touch

any part of mine, again.



I just need some space …without you in it



Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do

it for me.



Do I look fat in this dress? We havent had a fight in a while



No, pizzas fine Cheap bastard



I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy-

friend now



I dont know; what do you want to I cant believe that you have

do? nothing planned



Come here My puppy does this too



I like you but… I dont like you



You never listen You never listen



Were moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you

until I find out if this guy in Bio

has a girlfriend



Ill be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make

you wait because I know you will.



Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no

way I am going dutch



Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get

this over with



Im just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make

fun of you and your freinds



Theres no one else I am doing your brother



Size doesnt count… unless I want an orgasm

If you want to get along, go along.

OReillys Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible