By all means marry. If you get a good wife, youll be happy. If you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher. — Socrates

This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through. She screams, You jerk! and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, Now what have I done? Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her whats up. She responds with a hiss, My therapist says that I should leave you and that youre a pedophile! The man responds, Wow, youre pretty smart for a 12 year old.

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings
out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to
let it go.

Would you like anything else? the waiter inquires. We have some very
good beef stew today.

Sounds good, says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes
back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting
angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.

How about some hot apple pie? asks the waiter.

Fine, says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in
the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

Coffee? asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries
off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer
can no longer restrain himself.

What the hell do you think youre doing? Every time youve come to the
table youve had your thumb stuck in my food!

Ive got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot,
moist place.

Why dont you just stick it up your ass?

Where do you think I put it when Im in the kitchen?

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her
what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, Get weighed.

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He
looked at Rose and said, One hundred and twenty pounds. Since Rose weighed
in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe
asked Rose what she wanted to do next. Get weighed, she said. So they went
back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Roses weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After
they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. I want to get
weighed! she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end
the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Roses roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the
evening went.

Wousy! Rose replied.

– Steve DiPirro

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?
The barman replies, Its a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.Great! says the man, but what if I cant reach them? Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night, the barman answers.Do you want to try?No, but thanks anyway. Why not?, asks the barman.The steaks are too high.

An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:

So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?

He replied, I would love a motorbike!

When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didnt know what it was.

I have no idea! he said to the couples surprise. Youll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.

So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:

I dont know! Youll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.

So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:

Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we dont know what one is…can you help us?

And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: whats a Barmitzvah?

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.

The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.

The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.

And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.

He lost his bat, man.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

Form a loose grip.

Keep your head down.

Avoid a quick backswing.

Stay out of the water.

Try not to hit anyone.

If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

Dont stand directly in front of others.

Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

Dont take extra strokes.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy…

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You dont get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets-1
You leave the toilet seat up-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings+5
In the snow+8
But return with beer-5

Social Engagements

Party

You stay by her side the entire party0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking mate-2
Named Tiffany-4
Tiffany is a dancer-6
Tiffany has implants-80

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar+1
Okay, it is a sports bar-2
And its all-you-can-eat night-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team-10

A Night Out With the Boys

Go with a pal-5
The pal is happily married-4
Or frighteningly single-7
And he drives a Porsche-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15

A Night Out

You take her to a movie+2
You take her to a movie she likes+4
You take her to a movie you hate+6
You take her to a movie you like-2
Its called DeathCop 3-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans-15

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say, It doesnt matter, you have one, too.-80000

The Big Question

She asks, Do I look fat?-1
(Yes, you lose points no matter what.)
You hesitate in responding-10
You reply, Where?-35
Any other response-20

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV+1000
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep-2000