The worlds best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake
while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
doesnt notice, the orchestra didnt notice either, but he knew
hed made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the
performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said
Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class
conductor. Im now announcing my retirement.

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra
too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage,
only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized
bodyguards. Oh no you dont, his manager said, youre not retiring.

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of
conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night
with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said Dear, would
you be able to get me a small hand-gun? Yes dear, she said, and he
rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the
small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had
finished, he turned to the audience and said Im announcing my
retirement
for the second time. This is my last performance.

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted You cant
be serious!, and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba
player dead. It wasnt long before the police arrived and the conductor
was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. How do you plead to the
charge of first-degree murder?, the judge inquired. Guilty your honour,
the conductor replied. Do you realise that the sentence for first degree
murder in this state is death by electricution?,the judge added.
The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death
would surely be better than continuing on like he was. Yes your honour,
the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the
conductor and said You may have one last request before we terminate your
life. What would you like? After pondering for a few seconds,the conductor
replied A silver platter with a dozen bananas. His request was granted,
and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch
was flicked. The conductors hair stood on end, but he survived!
As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped.
He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go.

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and
the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. Back to work, his manager said.
More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night
with wife, he asked Dear, could you get me a grenade? Yes dear,
she replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the
concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. For the third time,
Im annoucing my retirement!, he yelled. The conductor took out the
grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience.The grenade exploded,
killing 23 members of the crowd.The police arrived, and he was taken
away again.

You again?,the judge asked,I thought Id sentenced you to death not long
ago? The conductor shrugged.
Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?, the judge said.
Guilty to all counts, the conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going
to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest.
A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas was his answer. He scoffed the bananas
the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that theyd
manage to kill him this time,but their fears were realised when the conductor
regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.
His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him
and he left the building. Back to work.

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take.
Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?, he asked his wife as
they lay in bed. Yes dear, she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didnt even wait for the
concert to start. Damn you all! he screamed,
and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190
odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he was dragged
away.

Jesus Christ, you again!?! Youre supposed to be DEAD!, the judge roared.

The conductor just shrugged.

May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?
Guilty as sin!, the conductor screamed, the ****** deserved it!
The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that
there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities electrical
engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the
electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.

Three dozen bananas on a silver platter, he said.

He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric
chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away.

The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins
to find the conductors ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into
the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.

Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin – alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked
Youve survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?

Ive tried telling people before, he said.

Im just a bad conductor.

Source: Time Magazine, page 79, issue date: October 14, 1991

Pick one from each column (3 – 5 – 1 – 4: Handicapped sex addicts
married to organ donors)

Overweight Incest victims Married to Alcoholics
Battered Couples Raped by Serial killers
Handicapped Prostitutes Who murdered Their fathers
Homosexual AIDS suffers In love with Organ donors
Unwed Sex addicts Writing books about Madonna

Submitters comment:
Gives a whole new meaning to buzz word generators!!

Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his eyesight.

I cant play with my glasses on because they keep falling off, he said. And Im too darn nearsighted to play without them.

Why dont you play with Hughes? the clubhouse man suggested.

Him? Woodruff scoffed. Hes ninety-eight if hes a day, and he cant get around without a wheelchair!

True, said the clubhouse man, but hes farsighted.

So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. Boy, that felt good! he exclaimed. Did you see it? he asked Hughes.

Yes, the very old man replied.

Where did it go?

I cant remember, Hughes sighed.

How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Seen on a local advertisement for a Christmas party awhile ago:

Scene:

A small boy stands agape on the stairway overlooking the living room.
A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white
toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the
boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.

Caption: Im sorry youve seen me, Billy. Now Ill have to kill you.

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife
has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and
he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says,

Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?

Oh, I dont know. You got your hair done.

Nope, try again.

Oh, uh, you bought a new dress.

Nope, keep trying.

You got your nails done.

Nope, try again.

I give up, Im too tired to play 20 questions.

Im wearing a gas mask!

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter
produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a
desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a
special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert
arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from
his breast pocket.

The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is
so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return
to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency
expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters
trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids
dirtying his hands (and therefore doesnt need to waste time washing
them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter
replied,

Thats easy…. I use the spoon.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

John got very bad migraines. Incredibly bad. He would get sick and nauseous. After numerous tests, Johns doctor came up with the solutionYou have a unique physiology John. Your testicles are pushing back against your spinal column, causing your headaches. There are two remedies. Surgery to remove your testicles in which case the pain will be gone, or medication that will reduce the pain, but you will always have it.After much consideration, John elected to have the surgery. Everything went great and the pain was gone. A few weeks later, John was feeling down and a friend suggested that he go downtown and buy himself a suit. John was told about a suitmaker who could take measurements by looking at someone. John took his friends advice and walked into the tailor shop. A little old man wandered out and looked at John and said:44 long. Your coat size is 44 long.
Astonished, John agreed.
Neck size 16 1/2. John was amazed and said so.
I been doing this for 40 years, I know people and their measurements…you want shoes with this suit?
John said yes, the man looked at his feet and said size 9. Correct
Inseam 34 inches. Correct
Waist size 36
Well, Im afraid youre wrong there, I wear a 33, John said.
Please, sir, I been doing this for 40 years, youre a 36 waist.
Hehe, no I am pretty sure I wear a size 33.Mister, you telling me my job? If a man your height and build were to wear a size 33 waist, itd push his testicles back up against his spinal column and give you a headache so bad itd kill you.

When I was a church custodian, thene Pastor that was my boss, would have me help before, during and after weddings. He was an older Priest, but he was ahead of his time. He walked up & down the isles while preaching (years before it was an order) and he even had a shirt collar microphone 3years before any other Pastor!

Immediately after a wedding, the Bride & Groom would walk out of the church and stand outside, at the main doors of the church, and accept the well-wishes of the people who attended the wedding (ie a recieving line).

Meanwhile I would be in the church, quickly gathering up the white runner (from the center isle) and straightening up the Alter area & would put all the large and small Alter chairs back against the Alter walls, so they wedding party could return to the Alter for the Wedding photo shoot (after the attendees went to the Reception Hall).

Meanwhile my boss, The Pastor, would collect up the wedding items, Holy Water and etc., and take them to the Sacristy and put them away. Then he would remove his remote microphone from his Vestment collar, take off his Wedding ceremony Vestment and usually by the time the newlyweds were back having their pictures raken on the Alter, the Father and I would be putting the rest of the things away in the Sacristy while discussing the wedding & how it went and problems that arose and suggestions to improve weddings in the future. And too, sometimes he would comment to me how the Wedding Rehersal had gone the night before the weddings.

On this one wedding day, I went into the Sacristy to help Father finish up, but I noticed something while I was finishing up onthe Alter, so I needed to tell my Boss about it.

The Newlyweds, the Wedding Party and All the parents were on the Alter already and the photographer was just starting to position the Brides gown. But when I entered the room, my Boss – The Pastor was carrying on & talking to himself about how the Mother of ther Bride was so pushy, glad thats over and being thankful that the woman had no more daughters

When he saw me enter the Sacristy, he said Can you believe that last night at the wedding rehersal, the Brides Mother kept telling ME how to officiate the Wedding Ceremony?

I quickly told him that I needed to tell him something … but he kept on complaining about the woman … saying to me perhaps SHE should would have preferred marrying them herself (he was real peeved!)

Again I told him that I HAD to tell him something … but he continued complaining about the woman saying I hope she doesnt run those kids marriage like she tried to run my Wedding Mass!

I quickly closed the Sacristy doors and hollered FATHER I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

He turned and faced me. He looked me dead-in-the-eye. His face became beet red, and then he said slowly (and maybe too calmly) … What?

I now realized that he was now MORE angry with me, than he was with the Mother of the Bride!! But I decided to continue on and take my chances!

Again he said What is it Greg?

So I said Father – your microphone is still turned on!