Old and New Jokes

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey, Im a PANDA! Look it up! The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Yo momma like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away

Yo momma like a screen door after a couple of bangs she loosens up



Yo momma like a 5 foot basketball hoop, it aint that hard to score



Yo momma like a 7-eleven, open all nignt,hot



2 go and for 89 cents u get a slurpy



Yo momma like a turtle, once shes on her back shes fucked



Yo momma like a public toilet round white and full of shit!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.

Why dont Polish workers get a lunch break?

Because theyd have to retrain afterwards.

Why is Tigger always so dirty? Because he plays with Pooh!

A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?"

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

He went into his fathers business.
He lived at home until the age of 33.
He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

He never got married.
He never held a steady job.
His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

His first name was Jesus.
He was always in trouble with the law.
His mother did not know who his father was.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

He talked with his hand.
He had wine with every meal.
He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

He called everybody brother.
He had no permanent address.
Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot.
He invented a new religion.

This is an old joke that has been heard around the Pentagon for some years, now.

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they dont speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

ContractorA gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid OpeningA poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BidA wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low BidderA contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineers EstimateThe cost of construction in heaven.
Project ManagerThe conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path MethodA management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHAA protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney – usually applied at random with a shotgun.
StrikeAn effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed PaymentA tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion DateThe point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated DamagesA penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AuditorPerson who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
LawyerPerson who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.