Procrastination is the flaw most of us keep putting off curing.
21
Jul
21
Jul
Arizona
YOU KNOW YOURE IN ARIZONA WHEN:
– Youve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you cant
remember the name of the incumbent.
– You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
– You can say Hohokam and people dont think youre laughing funny.
– You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
– You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.
– You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
– You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
– You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.
– You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
– You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.
– You can make sun tea instantly.
– You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
your fireplace.
– You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
– You realize that Valley Fever isnt a disco dance.
– Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
– You can pronounce the words: Saguaro, Tempe, Gila Bend, San
Xavier, Canyon de Chelly, Mogollon Rim, Cholla, and
Tlaquepaque.
– Its noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.
– You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
– Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.
– Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.
– Hot air balloons cant go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.
– No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
– You can understand the reason for a town named Why.
21
Jul
Bad: You cant find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.
Worse: Youre in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husbands a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your sons involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: Shes a lawyer.
Bad: Your wifes leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wifes leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wifes arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Youre arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postmans early.
Bad: Hes wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said yes.
Bad: Your wife says no.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: Hes gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: Its performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughters the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriends exercising.
Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently runs out of gas.
Bad: For real.
Good: Your childs waiting for Mr. Right.
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughters on the Pill.
Bad: Shes eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your sons doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: Its counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughters the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: Shes coming home.
Good: Your wifes kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
21
Jul
From the bottom of an ad for No Frills Furniture/TV/Appliances,
Toronto Star colour comics section, March 11, 1989:
Because this ad is prepared in advance, we regret it is
impossible to guarantee that some items may be sold out.
21
Jul
Why did it take four hours for the blonde to make chocolate chip cookies?
Because it took her 3 hours to peel all those M&Ms.
21
Jul
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
21
Jul
George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, and he notices a little boy
on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says,
Whats in the box, kid?
The little boy says, Kittens, theyre brand new kittens.
George W. laughs and says, What kind of kittens are they?
Republicans, the child says.
Oh thats cute, George W. says and runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney
and he spots the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, You gotta check this out, and they both jog
over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, Look in the box, Dick, isnt that cute? Look at those
little kittens. Hey kid, tell my friend Dick here what kind of kittens
they are.
The boy replies, Theyre Democrats.
Whoa! George W. says, I came by here the other day and you said
they were Republicans. Whats up?
Well, the kid says, Their eyes are open now.
21
Jul
The moderator at a ghost busters convention asked the audience, How many of you believe in ghosts?
Almost everyone raises their hand.
How many of you have ever seen a ghost?
About half the audience raises their hand.
How many of you have ever touched a ghost?
About a dozen or so raise their hand.
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
One man from India raises his hand.
Youve actually made love to a ghost? Stand up and tell us about it
The man rises and says, Im so vedy soddy. I thought you said goat!
20
Jul
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thumb!
Thumb who?
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
20
Jul
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.