Old and New Jokes

Se apersonan altos funcionarios de Coca Cola ante Su Santidad en el Vaticano para hacerle una propuesta: Su Santidad, le ofrecemos un millón de dólares mensuales para que se cambie en el Padre Nuestro la frase El pan nuestro de cada día por La Coca Cola nuestra de cada día.

El Santo Padre responde: No podemos hacer eso Hijo Mío.

Tras unos meses, vuelven a visitar el Vaticano con otra propuesta: Su Santidad nuestra empresa le ofrece 10 millones de dólares mensuales para cambiar en el Padre Nuestro la frase El pan nuestro de cada día… por La Coca Cola nuestra de cada día. A lo que el Santo Padre responde: De ninguna manera podemos hacer eso Hijo Mío…

Insistentes, los ejecutivos de la refresquera consiguen otra cita con el Sumo Pontífice, y le presentan una nueva oferta: Su Santidad nuestra empresa ha decidido ofrecerle a su Iglesia la cantidad de 100 millones mensuales para que se cambie en el Padre Nuestro la frase El pan nuestro de cada día por La Coca Cola nuestra de cada día…

El Santo Padre voltea hacia su Secretario y le pregunta:

¿En qué fecha termina nuestro contrato con los panaderos?

Un día un florista va a la peluquería a cortarse el cabello. Despues del corte cuando va pagar el servicio que acaba de recibir, el peluquero le indica:

Lo siento, no puedo aceptar dinero de usted, porque la corte me tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario.

El florista muy feliz y agradecido sale de la barbería. La siguiente mañana, cuando el peluquero abre su salón, encuentra una tarjeta de agradecimiento y una docena de rosas rojas esperando en la puerta.

Ese día un policía llega a cortarse el pelo y lo mismo, cuando va pagar, el peluquero le indica que la corte lo tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario y que no puede aceptar dinero de nadie por sus servicios.

El policía sale muy alegre de la peluquería. La siguiente mañana, cuando el peluquero llega a la barbería encuentra un tarjeta de agradeciemiento y una docena de donas glaseadas.

Este día, llega un guatemalteco a cortarse el pelo y ciertamente ocurre la misma historia al intentar pagar el servicio, el barbero le indica que debido a que la corte lo tiene haciendo un servicio comunitario no puede aceptar dinero de nadie por cortarle el cabello.

El guatemalteco se va muy feliz de la peluquería. La siguiente mañana, cuando el barbero llega a su salón, qué creen que encontró?

…………………………

…………………..

……………..

……….

…….

….

…

..

¡UNA DOCENA DE GUATEMALTECOS ESPERANDO CORTARSE EL PELO DE GRATIS!

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 theres a knock at the Personnel Managers door. The Tickle Me Elmo Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmos legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: Im sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.

To keep his knees warm.

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train
us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas
masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned
tuna – drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of
Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard
stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to
make even armed men in turbans tremble.

Weve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them
and their future.

Wed like to get away from our husbands, if they havent left already.
And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man
with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning. We have nothing to lose.

Weve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate
diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and
never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile
terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

Weve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars,
hardware stores, or sporting events… finding bin Laden in some cave
will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh,
please … weve planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and
extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years… we understand
tribal warfare.

Between us, weve divorced enough husbands to know every trick there
is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money
sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it…
with or without the governments help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as
we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

Im going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

Hey, girls, says the brunette, lets go home early tomorrow. Shell never know.

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

That was fun, says the brunette. We should do it again sometime.

No way, says the blonde. I almost got caught.

The Bong Show
Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
Iron Fry Cook
Dating Game v6.05 — Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
Who or Whom?
To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
Bowling for Gum
Kathie Lee Giffords Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?
Leper-dy!
Wheel of Fortran
First Family Feud
ho Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
Lets Bake A Veal

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Rejected Game Show Idea …

Win Ben Steins Undies

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com/ ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com ]

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, Quick sister, please hide me I dont want to be drafted, and the M.P.s are chasing me!

She lifted up her skirt and said, Quick hide under here.

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, No.

After they left she told the young man to come out and that everything was going to be OK.

He thanked her and said, You have a nice set of legs for a nun!

She replied, If you reach up a little farther youll find a nice set of balls, too. Im not going to be drafted either!

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:

A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:

PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON FAST FORWARD, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

Were sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because were always getting back defective merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now lets talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKERS ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

Ida Mae really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Maes last name is Barker,if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single pea-nut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the device, the box should also contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say WARNING * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say Margaret, you know why this country cant make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, thats why.

WARNING: This is assuming your spouses name is Margaret. And not Pete.

2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industrys Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF SHOGUN ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.

4. WARRANTY

Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS SHOGUN ON TAPE