Old and New Jokes

Some make things happen, some watch things happen,
and the majority has no idea whats happened.

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.

knock knock



whos there?





I DID IT!





(Everyone yells GREAT FOR YOU!)





(guys best friend says:)





WHOA WHOA WHOA! I WANNA HEAR THE REST!





I DID IT WHO?





UMMMMMMM…

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish, and in amazement I said – No CRAP!

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.



Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.



Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.



The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. Ill come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.



The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 oclock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.



One, said the lad.



One? said the boss, obviously displeased. Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?



Exactly $101,334.53, said the young man.



How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.



Well, said the lad, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said hed probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldnt be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.



You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.



He didnt come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, Your weekends shot. You might as well go fishing.

A ventriloquist was driving through farm country one day when his car breaks down. He walks up to a nearby farm and asks the farmer if he can call a tow truck. The farmer said sure and the call was made. While waiting for the truck to arrive the ventriloquist asks the farmer for a tour. The farmer says sure thing and off they go. The first pen they come to is the pigs. The ventriloquist decides to have a little fun and throws his voice into the pig pen. As they are standing there the guy asks the pig Pig how does the farmer here treat ya? the pig replies Well he feeds me garbage, but thats ok. He may end up eating one day but thats ok too The farmer looks agast at the pig and says Well that durn pig has never done that before The ventriloquist smiles. The next pen they come to is the Horse stable. The Guy turns to the horse and asks Mr. Horse, how is your life around this farm? The horse says Well he hooks me up to a plow and works me until I about fall over. Then he feeds me oats like it was some kind of gormet dish. I swear the guy is trying to kill me The Farmer says That horse has never been so talkitive! The take off walking and come to the sheep pen. Before the ventriloquist can say anything the farmer looks at him real earnest and says What ever those sheep say…Its a lie!!!

How does the single woman get rid of roaches?

She asks them for a commitment.

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: Now there are two!

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

Dont look back, they might be gaining on you.