A: A woman collecting her thoughts.

A: Alone.

Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnnys test again?

Jeff: But how did you know?

Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down I dont know. And you put down Me neither.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists dont need to be retrained.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and its inoperable – in fact, its so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – theres a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?

The doctor replies, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made!.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR. When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!

The nurse replied, Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and W by V. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Un marinero algo ignorante que llevaba años en alta mar vuelve a su hogar y descubre sorprendido que tiene un hijo negro. Debido a que era totalmente blanco le pregunta a su esposa: Pero… ¿como es posible que tengamos un hijo negro si yo soy blanco y tú también?

Verás, como no tenía leche, tuve que buscarme una ama de cría para que amamantara al niño, y como ella era negra, el niño se puso de ese color.

El marinero, no muy convencido, decide ir a consultarlo con su madre, le cuenta la historia y la madre responde:

Claro que puede ser, fíjate por ejemplo en ti mismo, de pequeño te di leche de vaca, y mira que lindos cuernos te están saliendo, ¡idiota!

Un psiquiatra, para encontrar la raíz del problema de un paciente dibuja una línea vertical y le dice:

¿Qué le sugiere?

Una mujer desnuda.

Cruza la línea con una horizontal:

¿Y ahora?

Una mujer desnuda agachada.

Borra las dos líneas y dibuja una horizontal:

¿Y esto, qué le sugiere?

Una mujer desnuda acostada.

La verdad es que usted sufre un grave complejo sexual.

¿YO?, ¡ES USTED QUIEN HA PINTADO ESAS GUARRADAS!

The little camel went to his mother and asked, Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?

She looked on him lovingly and replied, You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and theres sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we dont get lost.



Oh! he said. And why do we have such huge feet?



Well, she said, they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes.



Wow, he said, great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?



You see, his mother informed, we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?



Well, mother, said the young camel, I was just wondering, if weve got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?