Old and New Jokes

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.

So, says the cop to the driver, where have you been?



Ive been to the pub, slurs the drunk.



Well, says the cop, it looks like youve had quite a few.



I did all right, the drunk says with a smile.



Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?



Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.

The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

Sid goes to temple and gets down on his knees and prays, Dear God, I work hard but my business isnt doing well, my wife is acting strange and my daughter, ah, you dont want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?

The next week hes back. God, my wife, shes moving out and Im getting audited by the IRS. And my daughter, shes running around with a such a sleaze, would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?

The next week, Sids back. God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, leaving me to pay the taxes with money I dont have cause she cleanned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, shes pregnant by that nogoodnik who ran off as well. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?

At that moment a beam of light comes blazing through the window as the clouds outside part and a voice booms down, Sidney, meet me half way on this one, BUY A TICKET!!!

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didnt have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor

2.His Priest

3.His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I dont have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.

The priest said, I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.

Well, the lawyer just couldnt believe what he was hearing! I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event …

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Alis Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields – For Those Light Bachelor Days, and Robert Baretta Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (MENstruation) as proof that only men could serve in the army (you have to give blood to take blood), occupy political office (can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?), be priests and ministers (how could a woman give her blood for our sins), or rabbis (without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean).

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month (you MUST give blood for the revolution), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag (Im a three-pad man) or answer praise from a buddy (Man, you are lookin good) by high-fiving and saying, Yeah, man, Im on the rag!

TV shows would treat the subject at length. (Happy Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still The Fonz, though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in Blood Brothers!)

Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at that time of the month.

Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself – though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets – and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that these people have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.

… via RIBTICKLERS

Descubre cuál es el tuyo:

Salario cebolla: lo agarras, lo ves y lloras.

Salario canalla: no te ayuda en nada; sólo te hace sufrir, pero no puedes vivir sin él.

Salario futbol: es una cajita de sorpresas.

Salario preservativo: hasta te quita las ganas.

Salario impotente: cuando más lo necesitas, te decepciona.

Salario dieta: con él comes cada día menos.

Salario ateo: prefieres no creer en esa paga.

Salario precoz: cuando entra, ya acabó.

Salario menstruación: viene una vez por mes y dura menos de una semana.

Salario humor negro: preferible reír para no llorar.

Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: Your brain is smaller than any ε>0!

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying Disney World left. After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said Oh well! and started driving back home.