Old and New Jokes

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Father walks into his sons room and starts talking.

Son, masturbating will cause you to go blind.

But dad, Im over here!

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patients room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, Cant you see Im sawing this piece of wood in half?

The doctor inquired, And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?

Oh. Hes my friend, but hes a little crazy. He thinks hes a lightbulb.

The doctor asks, If hes your friend, dont you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?

What? And work in the dark!?!

Q: What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra???

A: He got taller.

Dos argentinos llegan a Lima un día domingo, y se van a misa. El párroco los escucha conversando, y comienza su misa:

Hermanos… ustedes saben que María Magdalena era una ramera, una pécora, la única que hizo dudar a nuestro señor Jesucristo… pues bien, ¡María Magdalena era argentina!

Los dos argentinos se miraron indignados y decidieron regresar el siguiente domingo a misa. Ese día, el párroco empieza su sermón:

Hermanos… cuando nuestro señor Jesucristo fue acusado, Poncio Pilatos decidió condenarlo y se lavó las manos… pues bien, ¡Poncio Pilatos era argentino!

Irritados, los dos argentinos se fueron a buscar al obispo y le contaron lo sucedido. Este aseguró que reprendería al cura ese mismo día. Satisfechos, los argentinos regresaron nuevamente a misa, y se sentaron en primera fila, esperando:

Hermanos…, dijo el cura. Hoy vamos a hablar de la última cena… Jesús al saberse traicionado les dijo a sus apóstoles: Yo sé que uno de ustedes me traicionará mañana… uno de ustedes que hoy come conmigo me venderá por monedas de plata… y ese uno ¡eres tú, Judas! Entonces Judas se paró y dijo: ¡Che Jesús, cada vez que tomás te la agarrás conmigo!

Zigzagueando, un borracho se acerca a la barra del bar y con voz pastosa se dirige al barman:

Oiga, en el baño se echaron un pedo.

Eso es normal, caballero, para eso es.

¡¿A puñaladas?!

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, can I help you?

The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.



The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!



The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?



The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!



So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!



The duck yelled at the bartender, quack quack quack got any raisons?



The bartender said, NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.



The duck said, ok, and left.



The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, quack quack got any nails?



The bartender replied, No!!



The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?

My girlfriend cant wrestle, but you oughta see her box!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pears!
Pears who?
Pears the party!

Which branch of the military do babies join?The infantry!