Old and New Jokes

Like, oh my gawd!

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken. The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, Please take a seat ladies.

The first lady asked her friend, What did he say?

He would like us to sit down. replied the second lady.

Then the photographer asked, Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?

What did he say? asked the first.

Hes going to focus. replied her friend.

What, both of us?

Sometime in the future:
Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer
service. May I help you?
Yes, Id like to report a problem with my telephone.
Our records show you dont have local phone service through us.
Howd you know who I am? I didnt give you my name.
We have ways.
Well, Im pretty sure you have my phone service.
Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV,
Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone
service must be through one of the other three big communications
companies. Have you looked at your bill?
My bill is 134 pages long.
Oh, youre one of our light users. But wed be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page.
Its tempting, but I just want my phone fixed.
Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith.
Thanks. Goodbye.
Click. Dial. Ring.
Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars.
Little Caesars? You do pizza?
You buy it over phone lines. Its content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable.
Uh, no. I called because my phone line isnt working right.
I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line.
A phone line, I think.
OK, then thats not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies.
Thanks. Ill call them.
And sir? Were testing some new products in your area. Were offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance.
No, thanks. Bye.
Click. Dial. Ring.
Hello. Endorphin Enterprises.
Im sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number.
Youre probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but then decided to start fresh. So were Endorphin Enterprises.
Clever.
Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?
Yeah, thats good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesnt seem to work right.
Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?
Im not sure.
We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV,
satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so
does everybody else these days.
Yes, well, its gotten a little confusing. Ive already called those
two other companies with long names.
Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you dont have anything at all
with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all
the services so youd know who to call. Except in your area, we
only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a
problem.
No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed.
My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T.
Thats the only other company left in the business.
OK, Ill try AT&T.
Click. Dial. Ring.
Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking.
Bob Allen? The chairman? Im sorry. I wanted customer service.
No problem. Hold on a moment.
Pause. Rustling sounds.
Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking.
Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service.
This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes
totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love
it. Im getting paid $55 billion this year.
Well, sir, my phone line doesnt work right, and I think I need
someone to come fix it.
Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt.

Here are the latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the late 90s office environment.

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.



Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.



Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.



Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming up stream only to get screwed and die in the end.



Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.



CLM – Career Limiting Move – Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.



Adminisphere – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.



Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.



Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.



404 – Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning that the requested documentation could not be located. Dont bother asking him…hes 404, man.



Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls and subdivisions, as in We were so lost in generica, I forgot what city we were in.



Ohnosecond – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve made a BIG mistake.



Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.



Umfriend – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Sue, my … um … friend.

Three Englishmen were touring the countryside in a convertible sports car. The engine was noisy, the top was down and the wind was blowing in their ears.

As they passed through a small town, one said, I say, isnt this Wembley?

Another one said, No, its Thursday.

So am I, said the third one, lets stop and have a pint of ale.

Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.s?

A. Drool.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, Youre crazy! Youll never be able to outrun that bear!

I dont have to, the first lawyer replied. I only have to outrun you.

You might be a redneck if… You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Im Jewish, you pay me, I dont pay you.

Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: Say, isnt that the banjo players Porsche?