Old and New Jokes

By accident Hillary Clinton and Bob Dole met.

If I were your wive, Hilary said, Id put poison in your coffee.

And if I were your husband, replied Bob, Id gladly drink it.

Heres a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? Hes the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================

Why dont Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? Theyre hiring. =========================

Why arent there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because theyre not going to work in the future either. =========================

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying Yo! ========================

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- He fell. ========================

Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================

Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================

Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. See ya. ========================

Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================

Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?

A: Nothing… yet. ========================

A You know they are out there but people have reported sighting UFOs

Is O. J. Guilty?Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses Ann Thrax
French OverpopulationFrancis Crowded
Fallen UnderwearLucy Lastic
Downpour!Wayne Dwops
CloningIma Dubble
Irish FlooringLynn OLeum
I Lived in DetroitHelen Earth
Inflammation, PleaseArthur Itis
Handels MessiahOllie Luyah
House ConstructionBill Jerome Home
UnemployedAnita Job
Off to MarketTobias A. Pigg
Holmes Does it AgainScott Linyard
Home Alone IVEddie Buddyhome
Lewis CarrollAlison Wonderland
Leo TolstoyWarren Peace
The L. A. Lakers BreakfastKareem O Wheat
Neither a BorrowerNora Lender Bee
The French ChefSue Flay
Tight SituationLeah Tard
The Scent of a ManJim Nasium
Why Cars StopM. T. Tank
Wind in the WillowsRussell Ingleaves
Look YoungerFay Slift
Mountain ClimbingAndover Hand
Its Springtime!Theresa Green
No!Kurt Reply
And Shut Up!Sid Downe

What do you have if you have ten [Ethnics] up to their necks in cement?

Not enough cement.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the Bill Clinton Highway?
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Una chica muy bonita se presenta en un consultorio dental; la recepcionista la hace pasar con el estomatólogo. Luego de sentarse en el sillón éste le pregunta:

¿En qué le puedo servir?

La muchacha se sube la falda; se baja las pantaletas ;se vuelve a sentar y abre las piernas. Atónito, el facultativo sugiere:

Señorita, creo que usted con quien quiere pasar es con el ginecólogo.

¡No, señor, lo que yo quiero es que me saque la placa que un viejito me dejó trabada.

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.

While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said I just have to go to the bathroom. Ill be back in a minute. and off she went.



Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.



Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.



He replied, The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She said, I want a divorce.

He replied in shock, I wasnt planning on spending that much.

Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.