Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lodz!
Lodz who?
Lodz of fun!

Balloons

Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. – Elbert Hubbard

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland.

Of course, replies the second man.

Im curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys and I graduated in 62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. Whats been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OKinly twins are drunk again.

None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

There is a competition going on to see, who can milk a cow , the best. The competitors are given a bucket each and sent to separate rooms , where they could milk their respective cows. One who has the largest volume of milk in the bucket is obviously, the winner.A surd is among the competitors, and is the favorite for the win.

After the stipulated time, each participant returns with his bucket, some have milked 2 litres, some have 3 , some 4 and so on. Finally, our Surd returns , fuming and exhausted, and guess what, his bucket contains just ½ litre of milk. Surprised and curious , one of the spectators asks the Surd, Sardarji, what happened , just half a litre ? . The Surd replies , Yes, those bastards gave me a bull instead of a cow….

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: May I see you pretty soon?

Woman: Dont you think Im pretty now?

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.

Woman: Thank you. Its on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.

Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Lets start with your bank account.

Man: May I have the last dance?

Woman: Youve just had it.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to your place, and Ill go to mine.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

Woman: Whats it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I could see you naked, Id die laughing.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasnt having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. Jeeves, she said. Take off my dress.

He did this carefully.

Jeeves, she continued. Take off my stockings and garter.

He silently obeyed her.

Jeeves, she then said. Remove my bra and panties.

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, youre fired!

Craig Shergold is a 10 year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before
he dies, he would like to set the world record for receiving the
most Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipes. You can help Craig by sending an
irate fax to LEXIS-NEXIS demanding that they remove all traces of
your mothers maiden name from their executive washroom wall. They
will respond by sending e-mail labeled Good Times to the computer
controlling Craigs life support equipment. When Felippe Linz, the
technician operating the computer, opens this mail, his hard drive
will be overwritten with thousands of credit card invoices for
$250.00, erasing the last bit of evidence that Hillary was seen on
the grassy knoll when JFK was shot, thus allowing world domination
by Bill Gates and his tri-lateral commission cronies who are eating
fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the black helicopters
with Elvis.

Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. Ive heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id
better hold onto it incase they dont ever send me anther one! I
cant connect. I dont know what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it goes. It
wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still dont work. I cant get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says thats just another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didnt even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didnt know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 – Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. Im confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe hes not so modest after all.

July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because Im
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDNT WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DONT NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited.
Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked
but I cant find that group.

August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
hes laughing so hard he cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
dont know why the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.