Old and New Jokes

Three chaps – an American, a Chinese, and a German – were shipwrecked on a
deserted island. The German found this smoky bottle. So he brought it back to
the other two, and they all opened it together. Well, a genie popped out! The
genie granted them each one wish under a condition he wanted to tell them later.
Of course, all three wanted to be back home.

The genie said he would grant them their wishes. But first, you must all do me
a favour. Mr. American, I want you to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German,
you will make the kitchen for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman, you will get the
supplies for the restaurant. I will return in one month. At that time, if you
have satisfied my requirements, I will grant your wishes.

The German and the American started their work immediately. But the Chinese just
sat relaxed and enjoyed life. The others warned him to start his work. But the
Chinese said, I will do my wolk. Do not wolly.

Then about four days before the genies expected return, the Oriental
disappeared. The genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be shown
what they had done. He was amazed by the restaurant. Five dining rooms, a
tremendous main lobby – all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for
the kitchen – full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans – all made from
shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!

But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?

The two men said they did not know. All they knew was that he had disappeared a
few days ago and they had not seen him since then.

Suddenly from the shadows came the Oriental, shouting in a loud voice,
Suplise!

If youre going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions… Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent mar

Sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story bout a man named John,

A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,

It seems one night after gettin with the wife,

She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know theres a Ginsu by his side,

And Lorenas in the car taken Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend

And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,

And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed Over there

To John Waynes henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldnt stay apart too long

So a dick doc said, Hey, I can fix that dong!

A needle and a thread is all were gonna need

And the whole world waited till they heard that

Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court

With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,

And his pecker was the only thing they didnt show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Yall sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

How do you get a one armed blonde off a flag pole?

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, Doc, Im getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks Im a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stops laughing he says, Medically, no, but heres something you can try. On the wedding night, when youre getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him its your virginity snapping. The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress and as her hubby slips it in, she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks:

What the hell was that?

The wife explains, Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out, Well snap it again, its got my balls!

www

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever bought a used cap.

Once upon a midnight dreary,

fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor

Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,

Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;

Having reached the bottom line,

I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,

Then invoked the SAVE command

But I got a reprimand: it read Abort, Retry, Ignore.

Was this some occult illusion?

Some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.

Carefully, I weighed my options.

These three seemed to be the top ones.

Clearly I must now adopt one:

Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,

Slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee

Finally I pressed a key–

But on the screen what did I see?

Again: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

I tried to catch the chips off-guard–

I pressed again, but twice as hard.

Luck was just not in the cards.

I saw what I had seen before.

Now I typed in desperation

Trying random combinations

Still there came the incantation:

Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught exhausted,

by my own machine accosted

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw an awful sight:

A bold and blinding flash of light–

A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.

I saw the screen collapse and die

Oh no — my data base, I cried

I thought I heard a voice reply,

Youll see your data Nevermore!

To this day I do not know

The place to which lost data goes

I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored

But as for productivity, well

I fear that IT goes straight to hell

And thats the tale I have to tell

Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There once was a little green man, who lived in a little green house. One day he went into his little green house and went up his little green stairs. He went into his little green bathroom and got into his little green bath.
There was a knock at the door. The little green man got out of his little green bath and put on a little green towel. He went down the little green stairs and answered the door. There was a beautiful woman standing on the door step. She told him that he had just won £1,000,000. The little green man was so suprised that he dropped his little green towel. The woman screamed and ran across the road, and she was hit by a truck.
What is the moral of the story?Never run across the road when the green man is flashing!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers — Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, "Ill have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all arent drinking beer, then neither shall I."

Beer is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on yeast cells and then defecating.

In other words, its a nice tall glass of bacteria shit.