Old and New Jokes

Three prostitutes — a mother, daughter and grandmother — lived together.
One night the daughter came home looking very down.
How did you do tonight, dear? asked her mother.
Not too good. I got only 20 dollars for a blow job.
Wow! said the mother. In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars.
Good God! said Grandma. In my day we were just happy to get something
warm in our stomachs!

Una vez un mexicano, un francés y un estadounidense estaban discutiendo acerca de quien era el hombre más rapido.

El francés les dijo: Yo me subo a la torre Eifel y lanzo dos huevos, bajo corriendo, salgo y los cacho.

Luego el estadounidense dice: Yo soy más rápido. Subo a la Estatua de la Libertad, lanzo un billete de dólar, bajo corriendo, abro la bolsa de mi pantalón y el dolar cae dentro.

Después el mexicano dice: Yo me subo arriba de la Torre Latinoamericana, saco el culo, cago tres mojones..

Y lo interrumpe el francés: No me digas que bajas y cachas tu mierda.

Y le dice el mexicano: No, pendejo. ¡Bajo y me veo el culo!

Un turista regresa a su país con un pollito que le habían regalado de recuerdo. En el avión, la azafata le explica que no se pueden llevar animales; así que el viajero sale, se esconde el pollito en los calzoncillos y vuelve a entrar al aparato. Se sienta al lado de una monjita y se echa a dormir.

Más tarde, el pollito saca la cabeza por entre la bragueta del hombre; mira tiernamente a la religiosa y emite un pío, pío. La mujer se alarma y se dirige al paseante:

¡Despierte, rápido, despierte! Mire usted que yo no entiendo mucho de esto, pero me parece que se le rompió un huevo.

You Just Might Be A Redneck If…



Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.



Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,

Hey, yall watch this!



Youve got more than one brother named Darryl.

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.



You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,

Gentlemen, start your engines.



The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.



You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, Mom, what exactly is Heaven?

The woman replied, Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day.

Then what, the daughter asked, is Hell?

Her mother replied, Thats what I have to pay when your father walks in while Im in Heaven.

******** ANTI-WAR MASS HAX by paintballer(at)linuxmail.org *******

A world that has no walls needs neither windows nor gates. (Anonymous linux programmer)

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, You wanna hear a blonde joke? The person replies, I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke? The man thinks for a while and replies, Not if I have to explain it three times.

1…Silence, the final frontier – Where no woman has gone before.

2…The undiscovered side of Banking – How to make deposits.

3…Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome – You dont need new shoes everyday.

4…Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5…Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6…An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7…Man Management – Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8…Personal Space – Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9…Valuation – Just because its not important to you.

10..Communication Skills I – Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11..Communication Skills II – How to think before speaking.

12..What he really wants – Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13..Driving a car safely – A skill you can also acquire.

14..Real women drink their share at a party.

15..Telephones – How to hang up.

16..Parking – Beginners Course.

17..Parking (Advanced) – Reversing into a parking space.

18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel – Why they prefer the floor.

19..Managing your weight – Its not water retention, its fat.

20..Learning to cook I – Bran in not food.

21..Learning to cook II – Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22..Compliments – How to accept them gracefully.

23..PMS – Your problem, not his.

1. Word processors never display a cursor.2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.5. Those that dont will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villains desktop computer, even if its turned off.9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesnt go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever o