One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse

going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a

man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200

men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and

asked who was in the first one. My wife, the man replied.

Im sorry, said Dave. What happened to her?

My dog bit her and she died.

Dave was taken aback. And whos in the second hearse?

My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.

Dave asked, Can I borrow your dog?

Get in line.

Two Jews are sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Are there any Chinese Jews?

The other sips his tea. I dont know. I suppose so.

You suppose so?

Yeah, there are Jews everywhere. I was in the Caribbean and they showed us this synagogue from the 16th century.

But that doesnt mean there are Chinese Jews.

At this point the waiter comes up with their checks. Hey! Hop Sing! Listen, are there any Chinese Jews?

The waiter shakes his head. Dont understand.

Jews. Jews. Chinese Jews.

The waiter smiles and nods. I go ask. He goes away and returns shortly.

No Chinese Jews. Orange Jews, Tomato Jews but no Chinese Jews …

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

* Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.

* Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

* Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

* Carrie Snow

Old age aint no place for sissies.

* Bette Davis

If you cant be a good example, then youll just have to be a horrible warning.

* Catherine Aird

A mans got to do what a mans got to do. A woman must do what he cant.

* Rhonda Hansome

The phrase working mother is redundant.

* Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

* Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

* Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word Mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think Im supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

* Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

* Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

* Kathy Buckley

Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know Im not dumb and Im also not blonde.

* Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

* Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

* Sue Grafton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

* Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore Im single.

* Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? Its plucking your eyebrows. Thats how I originally got pierced ears.

* Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

* Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

* Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

* Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

* Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

* Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

* Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

* Eleanor Roosevelt

Dont steal… The government doesnt like competition!

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

BREAKING NEWS: BUSH SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE

Lack of Standards Decried

Austin, TX (Dec. 13)–Attorneys for President-Elect George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit filed in Federal District Court in Austin, asks a federal judge to hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.

There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. Its totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking and re-checking over and over again must stop now, said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Justin from the nice list, filing them under naughty instead because everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.

Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, blasted what he called the crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.

Their security is really awful, really bad, said Bush. My mother just walked right in, told em she was Mrs. Claus. They didnt check her ID or nothing.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now, Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony shes asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to the latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The Rainbow Mush for Justice is scheduled to leave Friday. We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays, Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was deeply distressed by news of the pending legal action against him.

Hes losing weight, and he hasnt said Ho Ho Ho for days, said the spokeself.

Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be placed in jeopardy. Santa is apparantly not qualified for any other job, and no one is sure what he might do if he loses this battle.

From a Belgian in Canada:

Putting a light coat of icing sugar in someones bed. The very fine stuff. Nice and dry when they go to bed, like glue after a few hours of perspiring…

Stretching saran-wrap (transparent plastic film) over the toilet, BELOW! the ring. Never noticed until too late…

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed Hysterias and Posteriors.

The Doctors didnt find it acceptable, and suggested Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

The town didnt like that either and countered with Catatonics and High Colonics.

Thumbs down again, by now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:

Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.
Minds and Behinds
Lost Souls and Ass-holes
Analysis and Anal Cysts
Queers and Rears
Nuts and Butts
Freaks and Cheeks
Loons and Moons

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends

… and says, hello……………………………………Pint of Bitter PleaseThe barmans starts to pull the pint, and says Why the Long Pause?

I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions I saw, I conquered, I came!