Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals – unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

A man was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a bottle. Out popped a
Genie!

Then Genie says, I will grant you one wish.

After a minute of pondering the guy says, I would like you to make me a bridge
from here to Hawaii because I hate to fly and I dont like boats.

The Genie says, My God, you know how long it will take for me to grant that
wish? How many people it will take to build it? Make any other wish in the world
except that one.

The guy thinks, then says, I would really like to understand how a womans mind
works.

The Genie replies, Would that be two lanes or four?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!

Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!

Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.

But I did send them., replied the man.

What? shouted the lawyer?

I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.

You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two-fifty.

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.



Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.



As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.



Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.



The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then he hands the bottle to the priest.



The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any?



The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

Your mamma is so fat, when daddy told her to haul ass she had to make two trips!

Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?

A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were
only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old
do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A: Faxing can be
performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and
must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?

A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe fax.

–
At a convention of blones, a speaker insisted that "dumb
blonde" myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked
one cute young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus
20?"

The blonde answered, "120."

"No," he said, "thats not right."

The audience called out, "Give her another chance."

So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10
plus 13?"

Slowly the blonde replied, "16."

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head. Once again
the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."

"This is your last try," warned the speaker.
"How much is 2 plus 2?"

Carefully she ventured, "Four?"

And the crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"