Old and New Jokes

Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?

A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?

A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?

A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

The teacher asked that if anyone thinks they are stupid to stand up. The class is shocked when they see Nick stand up.

The teacher asks Nick why are you standing up? Nick replies: I didnt want you to feel alone

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

On the front- 60 is not old.
On the back- If youre a tree.

Im still hot. It just comes in flashes.

At my age, getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

Im not 50. Im $49.95 plus tax.

Physically pffffffft!

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

Its my cats world. Im just here to open cans.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring….I may do a trick.

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and its gone.

Every time I hear the word exercise, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furnitute.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Run! Shes got a grenade in her mouth!

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked him what was wrong.

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, he said, but I always get emotional at this hole… it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked, What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack – right at this very hole!

The other golfers were stunned by this revelation. That must have been a horrible day for you!

Bob cried out in disbelief, Horrible doesnt even begin to cover it. It was absolute hell for me. Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse, it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
Guns dont kill people. I do.

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too s— faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d—head all day long.

does it become a walk?

One morning Santa Singh received a letter in the post warning him, “If you do not send Rs. 50,000 to the above address immediately, we will kidnap your wife and you will never see her again.”

Santa Singh sent the following reply,
Dear Sir,
I do not have Rs. 50,000 but your offer interests me greatly.

____________________University

To: Professor____________________ From: __________________I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be

changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into:

______ Law School

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

_______________.

______5. Ill lose my scholarship.

______6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.

______7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Whites

______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______People ______Students

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

______mono______broken baby finger

______acute alcoholism______pregnancy

______VD______fatherhood

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______all of the above

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

_____19. Other_____