Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like shes wearin tights!

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research… You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) cant be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says its just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasnt been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : Bulb defective. A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.

Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.

A man walks into a bar and says, Bartender, give me two shots.

Bartender says, You want them both now or one at a time?

The guy says, Oh, I want them both now. Ones for me and ones for this little guy here, and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks He can drink?

Oh, sure. He can drink.

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

Thats amazing says the bartender. What else can he do, can he walk?

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, Hey, Jake. Go get that.

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.

Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock.

Thats amazing he says, what else can he do? Does he talk?

The man says Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!

Está Fidel Castro bañándose en la playa y de pronto comienza a ahogarse. Tres niños que lo ven, van inmediatamente a darle ayuda y lo salvan de una muerte segura. Fidel, agradecido, les dice a los ninos que pidan lo que deseen. Marinita pide una muñeca que camine y hable. Raulito pide una bicicleta con cambios de velocidad automáticos, pero al preguntarle a Pepito que desea éste le dice:

Gracias Fidel, yo no quiero nada.

Como es de esperar, Fidel insiste en que no lo deja ir si no pide algo entonces pepito se decide y pide un ataud. Fidel, muy extranado, le pregunta para que quiere un ataud y Pepito le responde:

Es que cuando mi papá se entere que le salve la vida me va a matar.

Niños, ¿hicieron la tarea sobre las posibles causas de divorcio, pregunta la maestra en clase.

Sí maestra, responden los niños.

Pedrito, dime un motivo de divorcio.

La incompatibilidad de caracteres, profesora.

Muy bien Pedrito. Susanita, otra razón.

La infidelidad.

Bien Susanita.

Le toca el turno a Pepito y éste responde:

La diarrea.

¡¿Qué?! ¡Qué tonterías dices! ¿De dónde sacas eso, eh?

Es que ayer en la noche escuché que mi mamá le decía a mi papá: ¡Oye, o se te para esa mierda o nos divorciamos!

Horn broken, watch for finger.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, Hey guy, youve got a steering wheel down your pants.

The guy replies Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!

By accident Hillary Clinton and Bob Dole met.

If I were your wive, Hilary said, Id put poison in your coffee.

And if I were your husband, replied Bob, Id gladly drink it.

Heres a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? Hes the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================

Why dont Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? Theyre hiring. =========================

Why arent there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because theyre not going to work in the future either. =========================

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying Yo! ========================

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- He fell. ========================

Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================

Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================

Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. See ya. ========================

Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================

Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?

A: Nothing… yet. ========================