Old and New Jokes

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We dont know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Estaba un borracho en una esquina, cuando una mujer pasa caminando. El borracho la observa y dice: ¡Adios, fea!

La mujer, indignada, se da media vuelta y le dice: ¡Borracho!

El borracho con una sonrisa contesta: ¡Sí, pero a mí mañana se me pasa!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. The biggest tool in the shed.

12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t looking.

13. A room temperature IQ.

14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

15. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Bright as Alaska in December.

22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.

24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

26. He’s so dense light bends around him.

27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. One neuron short of a synapse.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity

One day a man was walking down the beach and came upon an old lamp. remembering the stories of how these lamps contain genies, he began to rub it and out popped a genie. the genie,looking annoyed, said you are the fifth person this month to awaken me and i am tired of granting wishes. i am going to grant you only one wish so make it a good one.the man pondered for a moment and finally spoke, i like to travel to hawaii so build me my own personnel bridge there. the genie, in a bewildered voice said you must be crazy, it is impossible to build a bridge across the pacific ocean. do you realize how deep the water is? there would be no where to anchor the bridge supports. you must make another wish.

the man thinks for a few minutes and then turns to the genie and asks well then, tell me the secret to satisfying women. i want to know how to keep them happy and content.

the genie looks at the man and says do you want that bridge four lanes or six lanes.

OK three people where in a plane. one was



Asian,Mexican and Ameircan the people had





the light the plane cause it was going to





crash





So the Asian throws a bag of rice then the





mexican guy throws a bag of flower and says





he has a lot of these in his country then





the Ameircan guy throws the mexican guy and





says i have a lot of these in my country.

How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Thats proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

yo mama so fat when she stepped on the bathroom scales it said to be continued….

With so many airline problems world-wide, I thought a quik check-list of things to look for before you decide to book any discount type airline service would be helpful.

Heres a few things to be watchful for:

When making the boarding annoucement, the flight attendant informs the passengers that seating is based upon a variation of musical chairs.
As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is wearing an Im with Stupid T-Shirt.
The Captain announces over the intercom the the Flight is delayed while he looks for his misplaced keys to the plane.
The cabin attendant announces that those pesky & boring safety procedure announcements have been eliminated.
The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot.

If youre still in doubt, be watchful if:

the Trendy desert-pastel paint job on the plane, upon a closer look, turns out to be primer-yellow and black.
the Ground Crew is seen using pennies to check tire wear
a man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airlines C.E.O.
a voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft while it is in motion.
the Stewardess offers coffee, tea or Valium

And finally, check to see if:

the air sickness bags have the Lords Prayer printed on them.
Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.
a man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passangers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.
a telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.
the Navigator is studying a large unfolded Exxon road map, and has a compass hanging from his belt.

After your humans give you a bath, DONT LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead,
run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is
especially good if its right before your humans bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears
back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done
something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house
for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when
you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when
the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at
the humans. Pretend you have no idea what theyre talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose
to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest,
most visible spot to go poo. Take your time and make sure everyone watches.
This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic
bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a
strange human walks by.

Make your own rules. Dont always bring back the stick when playing
fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, dont greet them at
the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible
has happened to you. (Dont reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken
and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you
get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after
going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Two cows were grazing near each other.

One says: Are you worried about the mad cow disease that is going around?.

The other replied: Why should I worry? Im a squirrel.