Old and New Jokes

Una señora dio a luz y le dijo al médico que por favor le trajera al niño para verlo, el médico con mala cara le dice: señora la verdad es que su hijo nació sin piernas, entonces la señora dice:

Ah, no importa, tráigamelo así

El medico la mira y le dice: la verdad señora es que nació sin manos, sin tronco. Sólo nació una oreja.

La señora desconcertada le dice:

No importa tráigamela.

El médico accede y se la lleva envuelta en una sábana. La señora al tenerla en sus brazos empieza a decirle agugu- agugu, a lo que el médico le dice:

Señora, háblele mas duro que nació sordo.

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.



Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.



Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.



Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.



That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!



Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…



What about the PC?



Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.



Which three?



Control, Alt and Delete.——

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:



Two weeks ago, I said, was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasnt feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didnt even say Good Morning let alone say Happy Birthday.



I said to myself Well thats wives for you. The children will remember. But the children came into breakfast and didnt say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.



As I walked into my office, Janet said Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know its such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so lets go to lunch, just you and I. I said, By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Lets go.



We went to lunch. We didnt go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.



On the way back to the office, she said, You know, its such a beautiful day we dont need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not.



She said, Lets go by my apartment, and Ill fix you another Martini.



We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, Boss, if you dont mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable and I allowed her as I didnt mind at all.



She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

Yo mama so poor, I stepped on her old banged-up skateboard and she yelled, Get off my car!

A guy goes to a travel agent and tries to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent says that all the ships are booked up and things are very tight but he will see what he can do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phones and says he can get them on a three-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says hell take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, Look, if it gives you motion sickness, why do you keep doing it?

Chelsea Clinton.

Yo mamas so dumb she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?

A: One.

I heard this one on the radio, offered up by a Cajun cafe owner in Louisiana, so read it with a French Cajun accent…

Leetle Jean and heez father lived down on zee bayou. Jean wuz a very strong boy for all of heez ten years of age. One day Jeans papa asked Jean if he wuz zee one who had pooshed their outhouse into zee waters of zee bayou.

Oh, no, Papa. I deed not do it! say zee boy.

Now, Jeans papa knew that zee boy had a mean streak, and being zee strong youngun that he wuz, he wuz certain that Jean must have done zee deed.

He says: Jean, now I really want you to tell me zee truth. Did you tip zee outhouse into zee bayou?

Oh, no, Papa. I wouldnt do that! say leetle Jean.

Then Jeans Papa decides he must somehow win Jeans confidence to tell zee truth. He tells him zee following story.

Jean, oncest upon a time, our first president, George Washington, wuz a leetle boy jus like you. One day heez papa asked heem who had chopped down their cherry tree. Leetle George said Papa, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down zee cherry tree. And with that Georges papa thanked leetle George for his honesty and all wuz forgiven.

So, now, boy, says Jeans papa, … let me ask you zee question again, and Im only a goin tuh ask it this one last time … Did you poosh our outhouse into zee bayou?

Leetle Jean stares at heez papa for a few seconds in silence, and then he say: Yes, Papa, I cannot tell a lie. I pooshed zee outhouse into the bayou.

With that answer, Jeans father slapped the boy to zee ground. He took off heez belt and began a whuppin and thrashin zee boy something awful. Leetle Jean through heez yelps and heez tears shouted at heez papa and he say: Papa, why do you whup me? You tell me zee story about George Washington and how heez papa didnt whup heem when he wuz honest about cutting down zee cherry tree!

Then Jeans papa, he say: Yeah, but when George Washington chopped down zee cherry tree, heez papa wasnt a sittin in it!

One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, – Buffalo Come!

And the Lone Ranger said, How do you know Tonto?

Tonto replied, – Ear stuck to ground…