Old and New Jokes

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.



Shes incredibly mixed up, said one doctor. She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!



The second doctor said, Thats nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!



Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.



Oh my God!, said the first doctor, I just realised I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveiras ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasnt smooth enough.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hutch!
Hutch who!
Bless you, and Im right out of tissues!

How does a [ethnic] man propose marriage?

Youre having a what!

Top Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isnt:

1. Think you can get me off?

Q. Whats the difference between an elephant and a boiled potato?

A. It takes longer to mash an elephant.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a tea bag?

A. A tea bag that never forgets.

Q. Why do elephants wear suspenders?

A. To hold up their elepants.

Q. What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?

A. A mouse on vacation.

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriends house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head. "What are you doing? says her boyfriend."Shut up! Youre next!"

Herolal is driving with Bhola as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspects that his turn signal may not be working.

He asks Bhola if he doesnt mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. Bhola steps out and stands in front of the car.
Herolal turns on the turn signal and asks, Is it working?
To which Bhola responds, Yes, its working….No, its not working….Yes, its working….No, its not working….

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!

The very angry looking Genie said, Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!

The suprised man said, OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.

The genie replied with a smirk, Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No Im sorry, it just cant happen.

The man said, Fine then, I want to understand women.

The genie said, Would you like two lanes or four?

Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.

Yes, Sir. the new recruit replied.

Well, then, that makes everything just fine, the boss went on.

After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she stopped in to see you.