Old and New Jokes

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe
I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under
the O, 72. . .

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week, but then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city and it wasnt quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week? The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say yes, but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, Good, then Ill be there either at 6:30 or 6:45. She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said Sure, Ill be here at 6:30 or 6:45. The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldnt figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didnt seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the gu

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. Jack, heres a twenty-dollar bill, whispered the man, leaning over the bar, slip her some Spanish fly.

I dont have any Spanish fly, said the bartender, but a customer gave me some Jewish fly.

Jewish fly! exclaimed the man, what does THAT do?

I dont know, answered the bartender. Why dont we try it and find out?

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.

You attract me, she purred. Id like to do something with you tonight.

Honey, Ill do anything you want, gasped the man.

Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdales!

A funeral procession was winding its way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.

The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. You got anything to stop this coffin?

Yentl, a good woman, knew her son was having an affair with a ditzy shikse who was his roommate, but her son, Morris, refused to confess. She devised a plan. A week later, she got a letter from Morris:

Dear Mama,


I am not sleeping with that WASP and I know you stole the ladle. Where is it?


Love,


Morris

She wrote back:

Dear Morris,


If that shikse was sleeping where she was supposed to, she would have found it already.


Love,


Your Mama

From todays USA Today: Top 10 things that Nancy Kerrigan wouldnt want to hear from her Olympic roommate, Tonya Harding:

No, I insist, you go first.
Your cocoa is the one on the left, and honest, its suppose to be that color.
Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess the tub is kind of slippery.
I know, lets pretend youre a pinata.
Ill design the kneepad, you endorse it. Well make a foutune!
Do you have any idea how Katarina feels about prractical jokes?
Oh. I guess those dont go in the microwave.
OK, so Ive watched the shower scene from Psycho nine straight times. Whats your point?
Someone named Knuckles? For me?
Enough, already. It was only a knee!

A woman decides that shes had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, Im here about your ad.

Momentarily taken aback, she says, Well, how do I know that youre loyal?

Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. Thats how I lost my arms and legs.

Well, how do I know that youre rich? she inquires.

He replies,I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement.

Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands How do I know youre a good lover?

He shrugs I rang the doorbell didnt I?

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandmas house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

Red Riding Hood, Im going to eat you! he growls.

Eat, eat, eat, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Doesnt anybody fuck anymore?

*******************************************

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandmas house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

Red Riding Hood, Im going to fuck you! he growls.

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a gun from her bag, points it at the wolf and says, No youre not, youre going to eat me like the story says!

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, Does this taste funny to you?

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as KKK.