Old and New Jokes

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A – Under the vacuum cleaner.

Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner
may elect to be the preacher or celebrant; the loser may elect to defend
the pulpit or the lectern.

The Entrance Hymn: A Multitude Comes from the East and West

The Setting Forth of the Rules

Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a
5-yard penalty or the loss of one candle
Offering plates may only move laterally; only the Peace may
be passed.
The celebrant may fake a hand-off to the lay reader and read
the lessons himself, provided changes in audible signals are
given.
A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as Delay
of Service and the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.
Gate receipts may be gathered during the halftime show.
Ushers may blitz either the celebrant or the preacher only
during announcements.
Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be
restricted to wafers.
The celebrant may be awarded three points for correctly
announcing the Super Bowl Sunday alternate title: The
Conversion of St. Paul.

The Lessons

Exodus 14:22: Israelites make quarterback sneak across Red Sea

Ephesians 6:14-17 Dressing players with proper equipment

Matt. 28:16-20 The sending forth of the eleven

The Hymn of the Day: Pass it on

The Sermon: Gods Game Plan: A Play-by-Play for You

Halftime Entertainment: The choir, organist, and handbells

The Distribution

If the pastor is trapped behind the altar railing, the laity score a
safety and the remainder of the service will be played out on the chancel
steps.

The 2-Minute Warning (played by the chimes)

Benediction and Closing cheers.

It is further suggested that this service should be videotaped so that
instant replays of the sermon can be used to judge the doctrinal
soundness of the preachers strategy. Also, a carry-in dish tailgate
party may be held in the church parking lot.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .. And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said, Why? Dont ye believe me?!

La familia entera iba de vacaciones: el papá, la mamá, los niños y hasta la abuela. Ya llevaban varias horas de viaje y estaban todos cansados, especialmente los niños, que desde que parten comienzan a preguntar: ¿cuánto falta para que lleguemos? Bueno, esto hay que imaginárselo en inglés, ya que el viaje era por los Estados Unidos, y estaban viajando desde el norte hacia la cálida Florida. El padre de familia, y conductor, ya estaba con las bolas por el piso con los niños, por lo que decidió parar en la primera playa que encontraran. Para su sorpresa, ésta era de nudistas, pero no les importó. Se sacaron la ropa y partieron a disfrutar del sol. De pronto la niña menor vuelve y le pregunta a la mamá:

¿Mamá, por qué unas señoras tienen los pechos más grandes que otras?

Porque tienen más dinero, hijita.

Ah, ya entendí.

Al rato la niñita vuelve y le pregunta a la mamá:

¿Mamá, por qué hay señores que tienen la cosa larga y otros que la tienen más cortita?

Porque los que la tienen más larga son más inteligentes.

Ah, ya entendí.

Y la niña volvió a jugar con su castillo de arena. Minutos más tarde la pequeña viene donde la mamá corriendo y le cuenta muy nerviosa:

¡Mamá, mamá! ¡Papá está sentado conversando con una señora millonaria y se está poniendo cada vez más inteligente!

A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning I want a man. I NEED a man!.

The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to enter the bathroom and sees his mother rubbing her naked body in front of the mirror I want a man. I NEED a man



But the next day, when the kid is on the way to the bathroom, his passes his mothers bedroom, where some guy is humping her while she screams I got a man, OH GOD, I got a man!!.



The kid immediately runs to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes on the way, then stands in front of the mirror rubbing his body saying I want a bicycle. I NEED a bicycle!….

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jacks station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

Im recently widowed, she explained, and Im afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.

Not to worry, Jack said, well be happy to sleep in the barn.

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widows attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?

Yes, I do.

Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?

Yes, I have to admit that I did.

Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?

Bobs face turns red and he said, Yeah, Im afraid I did.

Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.
Doctor Ahn says, I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.

The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of
humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared
a few weeks ago:

In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer
was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his
cows.

The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his
boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool
and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said,
the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor
of the barn.

Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and
exclaimed, Theyll do that every time!

Mark Bartelt
Hospital for Sick Children, Toronto

Darling, she whispered after they had finished making love, Will you still make love like that to me after were married ?

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, I think so. Ive always been especially fond of married women.