Old and New Jokes

Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Being rich and it dont mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why dont they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

One day Pete was complaining to his friend my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.

His friend said Dont do that. Theres a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. Its quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird noise and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water,

avoid heavy labour,

it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your water is hard,

get a softener.

Your dog has worms,

get him shots.

Your daughters using cocaine,

get her into a rehab clinic.

Your wifes pregnant,

its not yours,

get a lawyer.

And if you dont stop jerking off,

Your tennis elbow will never get better!

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

A woman with a baby visited the doctors office. She was escorted to an examination room and told to wait for the doctor. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked the woman, Is he breast fed or bottle fed?

Breast fed, she replied.

Please, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. The doctor pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination then told her to get dressed.

He said, No wonder this baby is always hungry. Youre not producing any milk.

I know, she said. Im his aunt … But Im glad I came.

A little boy went to the doctors office and was just a little bit nervous, because he had to get a shot today. The doctor noticed this and tried to calm him down, If you had a million dollars what would you get? The little boy thought for a minute and said, A box of tampax. The doctor was confused and asked him why? Well, the little boy said. The commercials said that if you wear them then you can swim, ride a horse, or do sports anytime you want to.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, Now, dont you think thats a little better than slapping your knee and saying No shit?!? What happened next?

Paraphrased from a comedian on one of the Improv shows –

My wife really loves Prince. The other night in bed, she said, Make love
like Prince would. And I said, Sure, honey, is your brother home?

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic who was stranded on a desert island?

He found a bottle floating near the shore. When he opened it, out popped a genie; his salvation!

The genie said, Ill grant you two wishes, to which the alcoholic replied quickly with his first wish, Id like a never ending bottle of whiskey. The genie immediately complies with his wishes and provides him a with never ending bottle. When asked what his second wish would be, the alcoholic replied, after careful consideration, Ill have another never ending bottle of whiskey!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alexia!
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. Its all relative.