Old and New Jokes

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near
the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled
amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden,
Dopey stands up and says, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
church ? No, said the priest, There are no midget nuns in the
church. A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and
giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably
angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the city?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church.
says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the
dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the state?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church. exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The
dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
country?

The priest, totally angered, exclaims No, my son, there are no midget
nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the
country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit
down!!!!!

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church,
Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a
penguin.

Apparently a computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Delhi!
Delhi who?
Delhicatessen!

Una gallina que vivía en una granja lejana de la civilización llegó corriendo al chiquero de los puercos.

En el chiquero sólo se encontraba un puerquito bañándose de lodo. La gallina al verlo, se burla de el y le da la mala noticia: TE VAN A MATAR PUERQUITO.

El puerquito, preocupadísimo y todo palido de la impresión del comentario de la gallina, le pregunta:

¿Y PORQUE DICES QUE ME VAN A MATAR GALLINITA?

La gallina le contesta:

Es que en la mañana escuché al patrón decirle a su señora que en la tarde le diera chicharrón a la gallina…

Cierta vez llega Tarzán a Cuba y es presentado al Comandante Fidel y le dice:

¡Hola, yo Tarzán!

Responde Fidel:

¡Hola, yo Castro!

Responde Tarzán:

¡Adiós!

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?



The clerk tells him, No, we dont have a market for it it so we dont carry it.



The duck says, Okay and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?



Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.



Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, Got any duck feed?



The clerk says, Ive told you twice, we dont have duck feed, weve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, Ill nail your feet to the floor.



The duck leaves.



The next day, the duck walks in and asks, Got any nails?



No, comes the reply.



Got any duck feed?

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.

He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, Id see four!



The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, Youre drunker than I thought!, taking the rest of the alcohol away, That cat isnt coming in, its going out!

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Zippo Marx.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I sure didnt!