A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the ministers breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking?
Just water, says the minister.
The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine?
The minister looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! Hes done it again!
The owner of an old-fashioned corner grocery store in a small country town was fond of quoting a scripture after each sale. He had three old friends that would sit around a pot-bellied stove, playing checkers on a faded board. His ability to produce a scripture for all occasions never ceased to amuse the old timers, and they would listen to see what verse he would come up with relevant to the sale made. A lady purchased some material and he said, She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. A man bought a sack of flour; he said Man does not live by bread alone, but every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. A little boy bought some candy and as he rung it up he quoted, Suffer the little children to come unto Me. It was nearly closing time when the chimes over the door jangled loudly. A well dressed young man, obviously a stranger from one of the larger towns down the road, entered. Help you? offered the proprietor. I need a blanket for my horse, said the man. Hes out in his trailer and its too cold for just one. Bring me the nicest one youve got! The store owner went in the back store room and came back with a brown blanket. Thatll be five dollars. Five dollars? Youve got to be kidding! said the man. This horse is a thoroughbred. He gets only the best! He wouldnt stand still for an old five dollar blanket. Without comment, the store owner took back the blanket, then merely selected a different color and brought it out. This ones $25 dollars. Now, look, said the young man. Perhaps I didnt make myself plain. This isnt just any old horse! Hes worth thousands! Now I want the best, most expensive blanket youve got! Comprende? The owner once more went into the store room, pulled out another color of the same material and brought it back. This is the only one left, and its $100. Now thats more like it! enthused the fellow
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mickey Mouse
Mickey Mouse who?
Mickey Mouses underpants!
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, Who wrote this?!
¡Compadre, en mi casa mando yo, y cuando digo: tengo hambre, me sirven de comer y cuando digo tráiganme el agua caliente, me la traen de inmediato!
Y para que quiere agua caliente?
¡No me diga que usted lava los platos con agua frÃa!
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Ralphs Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that youre certain youre finished with, you will need it instantly.
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where
the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble
and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his
bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear
life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like youve been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, Ohhh
God! He told me hed been saving up for 75 years… I thought he meant
his money!