Old and New Jokes

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they werent hot.

Olie replied, We come from Minnesota where its always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us. This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and its very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldnt understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasnt working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devils mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasnt a punishment, maybe hed give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!

Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.
When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.

Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

Una mujer, cansada de que su marido llegue borracho a casa todas las noches, decide darle un susto para que escarmiente. Esa noche, cuando el esposo todavía no regresa de la juerga, se disfraza del diablo y lo espera en silencio en la oscuridad. Apenas escucha girar la llave de la puerta, la esposa se prepara y en cuanto entra el hombre, alcoholizado como siempre, cae encima de él gritando:

¡Grrrrrrrrr! ¡He venido a llevarte!

El hombre mira con tranquilidad y responde:

Da lo mismo… ¡Hace veinte años que vivo con tu hermana!

Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender asks, Where did you get that?

The parrot responds, Africa theres lots of them there!

Yo mama so fat that when I walked around her, I got lost.

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, Honey, this guy hasnt seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it…our lives depend on it!

Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, Im so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!

10. In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on stun.

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp–the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable–after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: lightsabers.

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg Collective with one glance.

5. The Death Star doesnt care if a world is Class M or not.

4. Luke Skywalker not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

1. Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Joke found on http://www.bright.net

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T
virus.

Paul Revere Virus
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending
hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Politically-Correct Virus
Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic
microorganism.

Right To Life Virus
Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about
possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing
quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ted Turner Virus
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates your session and then disappears. Itll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a
binary network.

Dan Quayle Virus #2
Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
your computer.

Gallup Virus
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14
percent of the time. (Plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Bobbit Virus
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately,
the area is permanently disabled.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back
to 200MB.

Terry Randle Virus
Prints Oh no you dont! whenever you choose Abort from the Abort
Retry Fail message.

Texas Virus
Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on
each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus
Youre in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS Virus
Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

Elvis Virus
Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface
at shopping malls and service stations across America.

Ollie North Virus
Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus
Just does it.

Heard this from a D.J.:

A guy walks into a bar. He sees an attractive person of the opposite
gender and walks up to her. He said, Hey, can I buy you a drink?
The gal stands up walks to the middle of the room and shouts, WHAT
DO YOU THINK I AM, A PROSTITUTE? She storms out of the bar, and the
guy, face completely red, orders a beer and sat in a dark corner. A
few minutes later, the girl returns and came up to the guy. She says,
Im sorry about that. Im psychology major and I was just testing to
see your reaction to what I just said. Then the guy stands up and
walks to the middle of the bar and shouts, FIFTY DOLLARS? 🙂