Old and New Jokes

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.

Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

Oh my God, I am sooo sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.

When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. You know you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

No, she replies, you just happened to catch my eye.

Una pareja va al médico; el que habla es el marido:

Mire dostor, tenemos un problema: mi mujer y yo queremos tener condescendencia, pero no sabemos si es porque yo soy omnipotente o porque ella es histérica.

Antes hemos ido a otro dostor y nos dijo que mi mujer tenía la vajilla rota y la emperatriz subida, y como además la operaron de la basílica balear, no sabemos si eso puede influir.

También a mí hace años me operaron de la protesta y a lo mejor me han dejado escuelas en el cuerpo.

Nos recomendaron ir a un médico de Boston que era muy bueno y, mire, en cuanto entramos a la consulta había allí dos ordenadores conestados a una antena paranoica. A mi mujer le hicieron una coreografía, y el médico nos dijo que no veía nada raro. Entonces nos recomendó que hiciéramos el cojito: 15 días ella y 15 días yo haciendo el cojito, pero nada.

Nos volvimos para aquí y otro dostor nos recomendó hacer vida marítima: en todas las playas hacíamos vida marítima, pero nada.

Además, mi mujer hace tiempo tuvo un alboroto y le nació el féretro muerto y a lo mejor eso ha influido, pero yo creo que mi mujer es frigorífica, porque nunca llega al orégano.

Me parece que usted lo que tiene es un problema de especulación atroz, diagnostica el ginecólogo.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you.



She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.



Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.



She responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.



The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and Im Catholic too!



The nun says OK, pull into the next alley.



He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?



Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish.



The nun says, Thats OK, my name is Kevin and Im on my way to a Halloween party.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some assicons?

Heres a few:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass thats been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight?

A: A heart attack!

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, Where did you get that? The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?

The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot!

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it! The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force?

The young man says, I chop wood!

Son, the general replies, We dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?

I chop wood!

Young man, huffs the general, You are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!

Well, the young man says, You hired my brother!

Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot!

The young man rolls his eyes and says, Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve? God asks her.

Lord, she says, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples, she says.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you, the good Lord tells her.

Whats a man, Lord? she inquires.

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time.

But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord? she asks.

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first!

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?



A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.