Old and New Jokes

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening. The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember, she says. I am going to treat you like a king. She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her…Honey? he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husbands dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. Honey? he whispers. She rolls over and yells, Oh sure! You dont have to get up in the morning!!!

Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?

A: He couldnt get his dick out of the chicken.

A friend of mine told me the other day that Sonny Bono was thinking of
running for the Senate in California. If Sonny Bono becomes Senator
Bono, does that mean we have to find a different nickname for Teddy
Kennedy?

It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher
asked some of her students to tell the class a story
of something that had happened to them over the summer
break in which they learned a moral.

The first student stood up and said, Well, I went to
my fathers farm, and one day we counted the eggs in
the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get,
but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs.
The moral I learned was dont count your chickens
before theyre hatched.

Very good, said the teacher.

The second student stood up and said, Well, one day
my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and
on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who
spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying
to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk.

Very good, said the teacher.

The third student stood up and said, My father told me
one of his war stories, and it went like this: He was
stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels,
12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the
whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and
blew up 20 more with the grenades.

Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten
from such a story? asked the teacher.

Dont fuck with my dad when hes drunk.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, Stay exactly like that and dont move. Ill be back in five minutes to check up on you and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, Whats going on here?

Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? the general barked.

Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

Jesus is watching you, the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

Yes, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: Whats your name?

Clarence, said the bird.

Thats a dumb name for a parrot, sneered the burglar. What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said, The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.

A man recently bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big bucks out of the elephant. He trained the elephant not to jump no matter what then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand. To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the guy before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy show up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind the elephant. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephants hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner, disgusted with the elephants performance, paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k. After that, the elephant owner decided to create another challenge. The prize money was now double but so was fee required to pay. This time, the challenge was to make the elephant shake its head. Again, lots of people came to make the elephant shake its head and they all failed until the same guy with the golf club came again. He paid the elephant owner 2 grand and once again took out his golf club. Once again, the guy with the golf club walked aroung the elephant. This time, he stopped in front of the elephant. Hello. The guy said. Remember me? The elephant nodded. Remember this golf club? The guy asked, showing the elephant his glof club. The elephant nodded. Remember what I did to you the last time? The elephant nodded nervously. Then the guy said DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, Ill have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.

The bartender says, Sorry, we dont allow animals in here. The dog replies, Hey, Im tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.



The bartender says, Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!



No, no, no, this isnt a trick, I promise you, says the man, I tell you what, Ill go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.



The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. Now, can I have my drink. says the dog.



The bartender is amazed. Sure you can and its on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. Itll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Heres ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.



Okay. says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.



Ten minutes go by and the dog doesnt come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, Rover! What are you doing! Youve never done this before!



The dog shrugged. Hell, Ive never had any money before.

What do Polish women do after they suck cock?

– Spit out the feathers.

Why do black people hate country music?

Every time they say hodown they think their sister got shot.