Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.

Two fat Indian squaws are walking across a train bridge.

One says,I got to pee so she sqats down and pees.

She puts her hand over her mouth and stars to laugh, heee.

The other one says,hey, what so funny?

I just peed in a canoe full of moose meat.

The other sqaw says,thats not moose meat, thats your reflection!

The history teacher announced that the students who could tell her the
source of the following famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
The first quote is: Four score and seven years ago…

Cathy raised her and and answered Abe Lincoln.

Very good Cathy, you may go home, said the teacher. The next quote is
Give me liberty or
give me…

Jane raised her hand and blurted out Patrick Henry.

Very good Jane, you may also leave.

Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back
of the room the whole time and the teacher never acknowledged him and she
said that would be all for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said Stupid Bitches (women) if it werent for them
none of this ever wouldve happened The teacher turned around and said
Who said that! The boy blurts out Bill Clinton now can I go
home!

Question Authority.

This is as bad as it can get, but dont count on it.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twains contention that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then

stop.



Question: What is one horsepower?

Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.



You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you dont hear it you got hit, so never mind.



Talc is found on rocks and on babies.



The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.



When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.



When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.



Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.



While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* …Lj]



Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.



South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.



Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.



Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.



A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.



There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.



There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.



Lime is a green-tasting rock.



Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.



Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you dont why you should.



Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know theyre there.



Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes its brother against brother.



Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.



We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.

Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.



To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.



In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many Hs as Os.



Clouds are high flying fogs.



I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.



Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.

There is not much else to do.



Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.



Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.



We keep track of the humidity in the air so we wont drown when we breathe.



Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.



Rain is saved up in cloud banks.



In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.



Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.



A blizzard is when it snows sideways.



A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.



A monsoon is a French gentleman.



Thunder is a rich source of loudness.



Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.



It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.



The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Yo momma so old she knew burger king when he was a prince…lol

Two men are occupying booths in a public toilet, when one calls to the other,

There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?

The second man replies, No, sorry, I dont seem to have any, either.

The first man then asks, Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?

The second man says, No, sorry!

The first man goes silent for a few moments, then inquires, Do you have change for a twenty?

8. What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork werent enough
for you, tubby?7. Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.6. Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.5. Todays dog in alley is tomorrows moo goo gai pan.4. Patron who mocks waiters accent will unwittingly consume chefs bodily fluids.3. Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.2. Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.1. Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup.

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceaseds last wish was that she make love with you

2. Tell the undertaker that he cant close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4. Tell the widow that youre the deceaseds gay lover.

5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7. Walk around tellin people that youve seen the will and theyre not in it.

8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9. Drive behind the widows limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceaseds wooden leg to someone poor who cant afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didnt like them.

17. Use the deceaseds tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceaseds gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceaseds lips just before the widows last kiss.

22. SHOW UP AT THE FUNERAL SERVICES IN A CLOWN SUIT.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24. When no-ones looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceaseds mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS! and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29. Tell everyone youre from the IRS and youre confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesnt keep a straight face while praising the deceased.