Old and New Jokes

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son — the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your ttorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.

Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian!

No one can tell me the Internets not educational. So far, Ive learned that Spanish is not the official language of Brazil and now, thanks to 57 kind souls, I know there are only 36 numbers on a roulette wheel. I thought Id better brush-up on gambling:

The closest mecca of chance to me is Atlantic City. People used to go there to get tanned – now they go to get faded.

A compulsive gambler I know took a 9 to 5 job in Atlantic City. He didnt like the work so much, but the odds were pretty good.

A manhole cover blew off and rose into the air. As it was still airborne, a fellow yells, Two to one its heads.

If youve never been to Atlantic City, you can gamble just about anywhere in the city. One young lady went to a laundromat and lost all her clothes.

But gambling is not confined to a particular city – its all over. I used to work with a fellow who only made mental bets. He ended up losing his mind.

At Boulder Dam, near Las Vegas, they recently installed slot machines. Fellow hit the jackpot the other day and won ten million gallons of water.

Fellow in Las vegas was winning big at the roulette table. He told his wife, Tonite, you sleep with a rich man. Before long though, he had lost everything.br>As they left the casino, his wife said, Am I to go to this rich guys room, or is he coming to ours ?

Cards are big in small towns all over the country. A fellow arrived home at dawn and was greeted by his wife: Dont you dare come home at this hour & tell me youve been up all nite with a sick friend holding his hand.
The husband sadly shook his head and replied, If Id have been holding his hand, Id be a LOT richer right now.

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
E for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germanys Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
– English well talking.
– Here speeching American.

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, You have to take a Breathalyzer test. The guy says, I cant. I have asthma, and itll start me on a coughing fit.

The cop says, Then I have to give you a blood test. The guy says, You cant. Im a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, Ill bleed all over the place.

The cops says, Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line. The guy says, I cant. The cop says, Why not?

The guy says, Because Im drunk you idiot… didnt you see the way I was driving!

90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home! (you know, Fords – Fix or Repair Daily)

(He wants some jokes and anecdotes. – DJ )

True story:

I used to work for T.I. in Houston. Once a young programmer fellow
from the Bedford, England came to do some consulting. He was a nice
enough guy, but very stiff and proper. On his last day before returning
to G.B., I took him to lunch at a Lubys Cafeteria. While waiting
in line, I told him that before he left Texas, he simply must try
some mepyew.

He said, What?

I said, Mepyew. It is very popular. Everyone here eats it with lunch.
Sort of a Texas tradition. The woman in the serving line will ask you
if you want some.

I give a sly wink or two to various prospective diners who
were overhearing the conversation and looking quizzical.

He agreed to order some mepyew.

We approached the first station where the lady was selling jello
deserts and chilled salads.

Mepyew? she asked.

Yes please, he responded.

Mepyew?

Yes.

Mepyew? (Now with noticeable agitation.)

Yes! If you Please!

Well ahm not a mind reader!

I laughed a little.

Finally realizing that he had been had, he proceded directly to the
roast beef and mashed potatoes, as any good Englishman would.

I giggled. The people I had winked at giggled. My English friend
busied himself with macaroni and cake.

Back at the office, Sheila and Mike giggled. The Englishman studied
a directory listing.

Someday, Im going to invent a dish called mepyew. Maybe it will be
a jello and roast beef casserole.

Big holes all over Australia!

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?

From Dear Abby newspaper column-

Dear Abby: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
cant afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
-Sam in California

Dear Sam: Yes. Run for public office.