A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.

Ill tell you what, said the pilot, if you and your wife can ride in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, Ill let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?

The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind him never made a sound.

After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the young pilot told the old man, I really am surprised, but as I said, you ride for free. I cant believe that you managed to keep silent for the whole ride.

Yep, said the farmer, but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, Id love to eat some dog.

The second Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, HOT DOGS!

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, Which part of the dogs anatomy did YOU get?

A blonde a brunette and a
redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail. Then they decide to
escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes
on the other side. The guards poke their heads around the door to see
what the noise was so the brunette says, meow meow. The guards say,
dont worry it was just a cat. So then the redhead has to go, she gets
up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come
out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, meow meow. The
guards say, oh never mind, just another cat…

So then its the blondes turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off
and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all
the noise is so the blonde says, Dont Worry Its Just Another Cat!!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Omega!
Omega who?
Omega best man win!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

118. Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, Im sorry. I wont do that anymore, Murray.

Gordons First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put Stupidity. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the devices lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when ones privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 On-the-Spot news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely, (name withheld)

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job cant be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 gs. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, hes dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he
received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didnt send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the
problem. They said it was a computer error and told him theyd take care of it.The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement. It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.A week later, the mans bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causin