Old and New Jokes

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says, I will grant you each one wish, but theres a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.

The first guy says, I want a million dollars. The genie says, Are you sure? He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

The second guy says I want a new car. The genie says, A lawyer is getting two new cars then.

The guy says, Oh well. I want my car. *poof* He has a new porche.

The third guy says, I want to be beaten half to death.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Who cares its not his house any more.

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in
her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the
elephant says, Help me, help me. But the ant refuses unless the
elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.
Replies the elephant, Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy
himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who
witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently
he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; its easier if its frozen.

One day a Canadian an Indian and an American went to a cliff.

The American says Lets each throw something over the cliff
that we have too much of in our countries.

The American throws $100. The other two say Whatd ya do that
for? The American replies Money weve got plenty of it in the US.

The Indian pulls out a bag of weed and throws it over. The other
two say Whatd ya do that for? The Indian relpies Drugs, weve got
it too much in India.

The Canadian throws the Indian over the cliff. The American says
That was kinda cold, what was that for? The Canadian replies:
Weve too much of that in our country.

This pirate had a parrot and all it every said was Polly wanna cracker. One day the parrot was sitting on the pirates shoulder and it kept saying Polly wanna cracker, Polly wanna cracker.

The pirate said, This is your warning. If you dont shut up, Im goin to flush you.

The parrot said, Polly wanna cracker, Polly wannna cracker.

The pirate said, Thats you being flushed. So the pirate flushes the parrot and the parrot sings Floating down the river on a Hershey Bar.

I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a
friend of a friend. His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson
University.

Just a friendly reminder–look for door numbers….

So Im looking for a class in Newman Hall— actually, I was looking
for Newman Hall– and, I thought id found it. no sign– no main
entrance.

So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal
door with and actual doorknob. So I opened it.

Inside was a room at least 150×50– maybe half a football field- maybe
more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.

Two guys in white overcoats.
A cow. Upside-down with hooves pointing into the air.
On some type of cart.

A chainsaw.

They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.

Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec. (except the cow,
who was not facing me.) And I shut the door.

Not econ.

I wasnt more than 10ft away from the door when I heard it lock.

I dont know what the hell they were doing, but they seemed to need
privacy.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

Its a cow, teacher.

Very good, Janie, said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. What does your mommy call your daddy when shes trying to be lovey-dovey?

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, –

ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. Its a big horny bastard!