Old and New Jokes

Q: How many jazz purists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 40. 1 to change the bulb and 39 to complain that its electric.

The first priest says, Weve got to save the boys.
The second priest says, Screw the boys.
The third priest says, Do you think weve got time?

Eran las tres de la mañana, cuando un borracho llega hasta la puerta de su casa. Haciendo gran escándalo este despierta a su mujer que desde el segundo piso se da cuenta que el borracho (su esposo) no podáa entrar.

En eso la mujer le dice al borracho:

Mi amor, aquí te van las llaves.

Y el borracho le contesta:

Mejor tírame el hoyo, que es el que no encuentro.

Man goes to the bar and says bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that. The man says Just pour them.



The man takes the first shot and the bartender says Hey, you want to talk about it? The man says No! and drinks the next 2 shots.



The bartender says Come on and tell me about it Ive got a good ear, thats why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.



The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says Ok, today was my first blowjob. The bartender says Hey great, have another on the house.



The man says No, if 7 doesnt get the taste out, nothing will!

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.

The son calculated a minute then replied, Oh, about $15 or so, I think.



Well, said the Father, Im proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.



To be honest Dad, the son went on, wed have done more, but that was all the money she had.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: Mirror mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor!. Again, theres a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) Thats what theyre there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious! (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car
accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he
could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped
for in life, and they still desired wedded union.

He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were
married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and
said, We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have
irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get a priest
up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh its already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak — it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we dont want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean dont worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).