Old and New Jokes

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:

When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word

ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet? OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet? Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldnt have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Im told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says some assembly required on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent mens stores. It doesnt matter if he doesnt know what it is. From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isnt this a starter for a 68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.

Rule #11

Men enjoy danger. Thats why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #12:

Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts. Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you dont know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:

Its hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8 manilla rope. No one knows why.

Its getting close to going home time at the infants school. Teacher is chatting to the kids.

Teacher: Johnny, what did you do today?

Johnny: I played in the sand pit, miss.

Teacher: Thats very good. Ill let you go a bit early, if you can spell pit.

Johnny: P-I-T, miss.

Teacher: Very good, off you go. Mary, what did you do today?

Mary: I played in the sand with Johnny, miss.

Teacher: Ill let you go if you can spell sand.

Mary: S-A-N-D, miss.

Teacher: Well done, off you go. What about you Leroy?

Leroy: Johnny and Mary wouldnt let me play in the sand pit, miss. I think its blatent racial discrimination.

Teacher: Well, if you can spell racial discrimination…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Deanna!
Deanna who?
Deanna-mals are restless open the cage!

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

¿Por qué el soltero está siempre delgado y el casado gordo?

Porque el soltero al llegar a casa, abre la heladera, dice siempre lo mismo, y se va a la cama. El casado, se va a la cama, dice siempre lo mismo y abre la heladera.

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a professional smart person by your friends.
You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1)How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
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Answer: Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

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2)How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
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Answer: Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

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3)The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend?
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Answer:The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

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4)You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it?
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Answer:You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. Theres a car being towed from the parking lot, he said. An ambulance just drove by. A few moments passed. Looks like the Smiths have company, he called out, Matt is riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. How do you know that? the startled father asked.

Their kid is standing out on the balcony too, his son replied.

What do you call a Jewish American Princesss waterbed?

Lake Placid

What is the prudent thing to do when someone has an epileptic seizure in a hot tub?

Toss in your laundry.

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes in a basement?

A: A whine cellar