Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

It has two bytes and no memory.

Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, Come here quick, Charlie! Im paralyzed! I cant get up!

He comes in, takes a look, and says, Stand up, you silly old bat. Youre kneeling on one of your tits.

Jaimito se levanta por la noche, a las 3, para beber agua.

Al pasar por la puerta de sus padres, ve que está abierta y se asoma porque oye ruidos. Cuando observa lo que están haciendo sus padres, dice:

!HAY QUE JODERSE!… ¡¡¡Y a mí me llevan al psicólogo porque me chupo el dedo!!!

Un tipo recorría la carretera en su vehículo y de repente, a la orilla ve a un cerdito con una patita de palo. Asombrado, detuvo la marcha y se dijo, No lo puedo creer…

Se bajó del auto y se dirigió a un ranchito que estaba frente al animal, y le preguntó a un

campesino:

Disculpe la pregunta, buen hombre, ¿este cerdito es suyo?

Claro, ¿por qué?

Oiga, ¿le sucedió algo para que tenga una patita de palo?

Ahh… sí. Lo que sucede es que una de mis hijas, se encariñó mucho con él, y por eso nos lo estamos comiendo poquito a poco…

Llega un gangoso a una carnicería:

Ghuenhos dhias.

Buen día señor, ¿qué se le ofrece?

Hun khilhlo dhe mahujhanho.

¿Uh?

Unkhilho dhe mahujhanho.

No le entiendo señor.

hun khilho dhe mahujhanho pha dharlhe ha hun pherhfhorhd.

Disculpe pero no le puedo vender nada si no le entiendo.

Se marcha el gangoso, pero el carnicero decide contratar a un gangoso para poder vender a ese tipo de gente. Regresa el gangoso a los dos días.

Ghuenhos dhias.

Buen día, permítame.

Le habla al colega.

Bhuenhos dhias.

¡bhuenhos dhias!

Mhe dha hun khilhlo dhe mahujhano.

Mmm nho hay.

Ghazhias. (se va)

¡Ah! ¡cabron!, ¿le entendiste?

Sghi.

¿Y qué quería?

¡Hun khilho dhe mahujhanho!

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, Im tired, and its getting late. I think Ill go to bed.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next days lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.

Hubby called, I thought you were going to bed.
Im on my way, she said.

She put some water into the dogs dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular Im going to bed, and he did.

Hold on to your nuts, this aint gonna be your typical blow job.

Just remember kiddo, shit makes a garden grow.