Old and New Jokes

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a cars hood.
male: The strap fastener on a womans bra.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Birthdays & Anniversaries (burth-daze and an-nu-ver-sa-rez)n.
female: A time to reflect on ones life and loves, celebrate with loved ones and exchange gifts.
male: A time to get drunk.
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever youre cooking, to make sure its good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied, You mean imagine that its good?!

A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clintons, two hundred bucks isnt enough to make it look right.

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.



There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guys head who wears Bounty on his head.

— Jay Leno



We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

— David Letterman



It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Ladens organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard.

— David Letterman



There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. Well taste your food, you check our mail.

— Jay Leno



People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when were finished fighting there. Im sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan.

— Jay Leno



Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is Waldo.

— Jay Leno



We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait til we deliver his mid-life crisis.

— Jay Leno



There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.

— Jay Leno

34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

Unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.

Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:

Caller: What do you think about football?

Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American
life. Violence and committee meetings.

Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Freds wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Stacz corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.

Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he planned revenge.

That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz wife in the act of performing oral sex.

The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz, Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blowjob last night.

Stacz replies, Na, na, na, na. I wasnt home last night.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Womens Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, MontanaIve decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.A Womans Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.
* Womens Restroom, Dicks Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Mens Restroom, Lindas Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Mens Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.