I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. Id finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway?
You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question Ive ever heard: Are you reading that paper?
I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, Yes.
Losing My Connection
by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Apologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
Its bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
Thats me in the corner
Thats me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with Linux
And I dont know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I havent bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, Im
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream …
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Members of Congress…people of America….
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you havent been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I havent tried to do are The First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because theyre a Little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isnt to say I dont appreciate Hillary… I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, Id be Pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and shed be married to The President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, theres not a man, woman, or child who didnt know I Was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called Kennebunkport. There was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimers he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin (instead of San Clemente) for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didnt hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point…
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didnt seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell internet has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: Im running a country here and Im doing it with my pecker showing.
What Im asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless, of course, shes a hotty with thin ankles, and then Id like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life youre living before you get too interested in where Im parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night and God bless America!
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesnt fully appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first babys pacifier by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure youve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain youve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If Yes then why cant you fix the problem yourself?
_________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________
17. If nothing explain why you were logged in.
________________________________________________________________
18. Are you sure you arent imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Cant you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes_
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovics Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that its an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Even if you win the rat race, youre still a rat.
A friend and I
had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer
asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most
tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest
weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything
chocolate. Finally it was my friends turn. Taking a deep breath, she
announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."