Old and New Jokes

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms – would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.
Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.
If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants pocket, youll find the money for the beer. The bartender got it.
Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more. Where is the mens room?
Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks, and theres one in a filling station on the corner.

LA High School Maths Exam…

… City of LAHigh School Math Proficiency Exam



Name:________________ Gang:________________





1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?



2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesnt cut it?



3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?



4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?



5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to steel to make $600?



6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?



7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint?



8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has Hector knocked up?

Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Willoughby!
Willoughby who?
Willoughby a monkeys uncle!

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, Madam, Im very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, youre gonna sh*t when you hear the price.

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a
photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savanna in their jeep, stop and
scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: Look! There is a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a
white zebra! It is fantastic! There are white zebras! We will be famous!

The statistician: It is not significant. We only know there is one white
zebra.

The mathematician: Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white
on one side.

The computer scientist: Oh, no! A special case!

Herring aids

I heard this from my uncle John Herbert. You cant offend anyone with it.

A telephone sales person makes a call to an unknown prospect and
a very small, very soft, very quiet, and obviously young person
answers the phone.

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

Youngster: (whispering) No, hes busy.

Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

Youngster: (in a whisper) Shes busy too.

Sales person: I see, how about your brother? Can I speak to him?

Youngster: (whispering) No. Hes busy too.

Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister there? Can I talk to her?

Youngster: (in a whisper) Shes busy too.

Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people
doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, Im sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that Im not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. Ill have to get back to you then. He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, Now, what can I do for you?

Nothing, replied the man. Im here to hook up your phone.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.