One pound of learning requires ten pounds of common sense to apply it.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married.

Why not, giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket!

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived
on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells
him he cant have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I dont get any
eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he
asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken,
so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig,
so you dont get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this
morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?

Dumbbells.

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if its really dead.16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (youre in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!10. If youre running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, its still moving fast enough to catch up with you.9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.7. As a general rule, dont solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.6. Dont fool with recombinant DNA technology unless youre sure you know what you are doing.5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.3. If your car runs out o

From page 468 of Using Turbo C++ by Herbert Schildt:

REMEMBER: The private parts of an object are accessible only by functions
that are members of that object.

Well, there goes free love…

A very well-dressed and successful yuppie executive left his office one fine day and there on the sidewalk next to his Porsche was a strangely shaped lamp.

“Maybe a genie will appear if I rub it!” said the yuppie to himself, with a laugh. He rubbed it and sure enough a ten-foot tall genie appeared.

“YOU are a genie?” said the yuppie in surprise.

“Why sure!” said the genie with a grin, as he spat out a stream of tobacco juice. “Now what are yer three wishes, Bub?”

“Well, my name is Andrew, not BUB!” The dapper and confident yuppie smiled and said: “I just landed a million dollar deal; my Porsche and my condo are paid off and my beautiful secretary is going to marry me! I have everything I want! No wishes for me.”

“Sorry, you gotta wish! It’s REQUIRED!” said the genie. “And remember, whatever you wish, ya have to live with! You can’t change anything!”

“Oh, alright!” said the yuppie smugly. “I wish that I will always wear the best clothes, drive the best car and have the best job in the world!”

“Ain’t ya gonna gimme some more details?” said the genie in a confused voice.

“Well, YOU can figure it out!” said the dignified, well-groomed executive with a pompous grin. He straightened his necktie and suit and flicked a speck of dust from his shoes.

“OK! Yer wishes are granted!” said the genie.

The yuppie felt a strange feeling in his feet and looked down: his highly polished $500 Brooks Brothers shoes and silk socks had disappeared; he was now barefoot. Then his $150 silk necktie, matching braces and pocket square, Rolex and cufflinks dissolved before his eyes. Then his blue pinstriped Armani business suit and starched white shirt began to change, finally morphing into a pair of dirty overalls.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” he yelled. “STOP! STOP!”

“Nope!” grinned the genie. “Cain’t stop!”

Then the stunned yuppie saw his Porsche morph into a broken down pickup truck. A moment later, a garbage truck pulled up. As he did, his executive leather briefcase turned into a lunch bucket.

“Get in!” yelled the garbage man who was driving. “Time to get to work!”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” roared the former yuppie, who noticed that his thick head of hair had vanished and he now wore a scraggly beard. “Where are my clothes?! I was wearing a two thousand dollar suit! Where is my car! My SHOES! You’ve stripped me of EVERYTHING! And what is that GARBAGEMAN talking about?!”

“That’s yer new job! YOU are a garbage man now – best job there is!” said the genie happily. “And yer gonna have to go barefoot for the rest of yer life now – remember! And yer always gonna drive a pickup truck! No more fancy suits and ties or shiny shoes! Ain’t that great!! You live in a trailer now, and yer married to a waitress named Flo! It’s the best life I know!!”

“Barefoot for the rest of my life! All of my suits gone! A WAITRESS! A TRAILER!” The former well-dressed yuppie yelled as the garbageman dragged him into the truck to start his new life.

The genie shook his head. “You sure ain’t grateful! Next time, don’t ask for wishes from a genie named Bubba!”

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what? No the man replied, I work for the IRS.

Send This Joke

Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

A: wave at him.

Your master bathroom has the words porta and potty written on the side.

You cant take a bath in the winter cause the stream is frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.