Old and New Jokes

En un velorio, un amigo del difunto se acerca a la viuda y le dice:

Lo siento señora, lo siento.

La señora responde:

No gracias, déjelo acostadito nomás.

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!



Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??



All the blondes say We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.



So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.



The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter?



No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing.



In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.



So be it says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.



A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.



The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.



Why? asketh the Lord.



Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password….now you have to understand hes got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect…so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in penis…I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: Theyre too hard to peel.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a
bath.

She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.
The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow
White relents and says, When I get into the water and you hear the splash,
you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very
moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The
moment the Dwarfs hear the splash, they turn around and see Snow
White naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being
advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.

Scroll down for the answer.

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!

Keep scrolling down.

Seven Up

The Washington Posts Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Foreploy:
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous Surrender Dorothy on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesnt get it.
Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS:
the one true operating system.
Inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family.
Osteopornosis:
a degenerate disease.
Karmageddon:
Its like, when everybody is sending off all these like really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like a serious bummer.
Hindkerchief:
really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme:
a generic skin disease (alt: the *best* skin disease).
Dopeler effect:
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! Cmon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

Youll have no clothes to wear if we

dont do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah blah blah blah blah CMON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. Please dear, I need help. she said.

The husband ran off saying Ill go get some help. A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.



His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, Im may be dying and youre putting?



Dont worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help.



The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???



Hey! I told ya not to worry. he said, practice stroking his putt. Everyones already agreed to let him play through.