Old and New Jokes

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) – Stafford Beer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. Im too young to die. Im only fifty five.

Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.

How in the world did you get that number? the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter: We added up the billable hours you charged your clients.

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Wisconsin. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a state game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, Good morning, maam. What are you doing?

Reading a book, she replies, (thinking Isnt that obvious?)Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.Im sorry, officer, but Im not fishing. Im reading.Yes, but you have all the equipment. Ill have to take you in and write you up.If you do that, Ill have to charge you with sexual assault, says the woman.But I havent even touched you, says the warden.Thats true, but you have all the equipment.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. Its likely that she can also think.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?
Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?
I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.
Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd guy)
Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!
Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, This is your asshole before prison….

A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech
impediment can be cured. The doctor thoroughly examines the man and finally
asks him to drop his pants.

Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem
to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted
up to the neck area.

The patient then asks, wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i-
t? to which the doctor replies, modern surgery can work miracles. We can
replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear
right after the operation.

The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering
disappears.

About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, doctor, I
am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick,
and rather than lose her Ive decided to get my old dick back and live with
stuttering for the rest of my life. The doctor then looks straight at the man
and replies, d-d- de-deals a d-d-deal.

An Unlikely Conversation

(written by Terry Herrin in a reply on Software Creations BBS)

Bart Id like to upgrade my Siamese to an Abyssinian.

Clerk Do you want a red or a tan Abby?

Bart I dunno. Is there a difference besides the color?

Clerk Well, the red one is faster, but costs quite a bit more. Personally, I dont think its worth it. The price/performance isnt as good as the tan one.

Bart Do you think I need that extra speed?

Clerk Depends on what youre getting it for. Any big dogs near your house?

Bart Yes.

Clerk Well then, youd better go ahead and get the red one. Unless you want to save money and get the tan. The tan is up-gradable to the red later. We offer our Red Dye Overdrive Kit for $100. Seventy percent increase in performance.

Bart Lets go with a tan one.

Clerk Ok. Thats gonna run you $400. What size litterbox do you have?

Bart 10×12 inches.

Clerk Youre gonna have to replace it with a bigger one.

Bart Why?

Clerk A Siamese litterbox wont handle the demands of an Abby. You need at least a 14×16.

Bart Okay, how much is that gonna cost?

Clerk $20. Youre also gonna need a second water bowl.

Bart I am?

Clerk An Abby tends to run hotter than a Siamese. A second water bowl will keep the cat from overheating. Only $10.

Bart Ill take it.

Clerk You werent planning on putting that Abby in the same carrier as the Siamese, were you?

Bart Uh … yeah.

Clerk Not a good idea. The Abby might not fit, and even if it does youd probably want a bigger carrier for better air circulation.

Bart How much?

Clerk $100.

Bart Okay. Boy, Im almost buying a whole new cat setup.

Clerk Well, you can still use the same brushes, shampoo and cat toys.

Bart True. So, what do I do with the Siamese?

Clerk We dont take trade-ins. Maybe you can sell it.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

NO. 10

Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all.

NO. 9

This gives new meaning to box lunch.



NO. 8

Reporter: Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear? Holyfield: What?



NO. 7

Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled – John Corl, Rochester, N.Y.



NO. 6

What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh? You gonna eat that?



NO. 5

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory



NO. 4

Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, The snackfest in Budapest.



NO. 3

How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.



NO. 2

Slogans for Tys * The T * Da * * Ear-Reconcilable Differences





NO. 1

When interviewed after the fight, Tysons first remarks were that it tasted like chicken.

Superman is flying over a nude beach and since he can fly at super speed he can go down and have sex with all the women and they wont know what happend, so he flys down and has sex with almost everyone down there than gets back up, than he sees wonder women and is happy because he has always had a thing for her and he knows if he is down there to long she will catch hin so he goes down and gets it over with realy fast and gets back up, than wonder women sits and says what happend and the invisible man on top of her says i dont know but my ass realy hurts!