Old and New Jokes

Check it out! A strange coincidence.

Colin

If any of you remember the movie Back to the Future II you will recall that Bif goes to the future and steals a Sports Almanac, where in turn he goes back to the past to give it to young Bif. As we all know Young Bif was able to become very wealthy by betting on games where he already knew the final score.

In an obscure line you hear young Bif say Florida is going to win the World Series in 1997, yeah right

This movie came out in 1987, ten years before the Marlins did actually win the world series. And whats really weird is that Florida didnt even have a baseball team in 1987.

Little Johnnys kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

Yes, said the policeman. The detectives want him very badly.

So Little Johnny asked, Why didnt you keep him when you took his picture?

Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!

A 75-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing! Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with
both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.The doctor was shocked. You asked your NEIGHBOR?The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn jar open!

I found this on a wall at Iowa State University.

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THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says Look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

If you are a cartoon character, have friends or relatives who are cartoon characters, or are a cartoon character sympathizer… please delete this message now. (grin)

I will not defame New Orleans
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate a revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher Hot Cakes
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell fire in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade my pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principals car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {Written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school dont mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I am sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teachers [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell Shes dead! during roll call
The principals toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish do not bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

A young woman purchases her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and is having trouble tuning her radio to the station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio. Miss, the salesperson said, this is a very sophisticated radio.

There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands for whatever type of program you desire.





So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. Country Music, she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, Oldies, and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing Blueberry Hill.





A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic. Stupid, inconsiderate bitch! she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura.

Your Mama is so fat, that when she wore a Malcolm X T-shirt, a helicopter tried to land on her!

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).



Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president.



And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.



For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen refugeeas they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.



You will help, wont you? It costs so little but it means so much.

Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?



the suspicious wife sneered.





No, I cant. the husband replied. I distinctly remember



taking my shirt off.