Old and New Jokes

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, Your Grace.

The third Catholic mother says, My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence.

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, Well?

So she replies, My son is a gorgeous, 6 2, hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God!

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy mans truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Lets put this rivalry behind us." The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why dont we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck." The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "Thanks, but Ill wait till after the cops get here!"

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.

Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories hed heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin
But the boys didnt know; They was about to start shootin!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!
Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!

Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!
The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.

He was busy lookin At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.
That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

What
to do when your dinner is interrupted:
– Ask them if theyve got beer
– Start speaking in tongues
– Tell them that person doesnt live there anymore.
Give them the number of an adult service and tell
them that it is her/his new number
– Tell them that youre not there right now
– Ask them if they accept coupons
– Start selling them something else
– If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them
youre poor and ask for money instead
– Start preaching your religion to them
– Pretend youre a recording and say "The number
you have reached is not in service. Please check the
number and dial again, or talk to your operator for
assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating
the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
– Try to hypnotise the telemarketer
– Play a recording of a busy signal
– Put on some really annoying music and put the phone
up to the stereo.
– Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then
try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various
medical problems, your fascination with odd smells
and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
– Use one of those voice changers to disguise your
voice
– Rap all your replies to the telemarketers questions,
especially if youre white.
– Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her
on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle
and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if youre ever
used this kind of ketchup youll know what kind of
sound this makes!!!!!)

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

There was a man named Benny who loved to take walks on the beach. One day he found a bottle with a genie in it. He let the genie out.
The genie was so grateful that he granted him one wish with the condition that he never shave again, otherwise hed turn him into an urn.
Benny got his wish of riches and fame but he kept tripping over his long beard which he hadnt shaved in 30 years. Benny said to himself, “that genie isnt around anymore, Im shaving.” With that, he went home and shaved. Instantly he went POOF and turned into an urn.
Moral to the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn-ed.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?

Yes, Father, it is.

And, who was the woman you were with?

Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her
reputation.

Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.Was it Brenda OMalley?

I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?

Ill never tell.

Was it Liz Shannon?

Im sorry, but I cant name her.

Was it Cathy Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Fiona McDonald, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must
atone.You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?

Three months vacation and five good leads! says Tommy.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!